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I wish the first word I ever said was the word “quote”, so right before I die I could say “unquote”.

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Marilyn Monroe Paulo Coelho Abraham Lincoln C. S. Lewis Khalil Gibran Charlie Chaplin Gautama Buddha Isaac Newton

Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.
STEVEN WRIGHT

Funny Mad Music Myself Night Play
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
STEVEN WRIGHT

Alphabet Order Song
How do you get off a non-stop flight?
STEVEN WRIGHT

Flight Leaving One Liner Yourself
I installed a skylight in my apartment, the people who live above me are furious!
STEVEN WRIGHT

Angry Install Light Live Myself People
When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobody’s perfect so I stopped practicing.
STEVEN WRIGHT

Education Funny Myself Perfection Practice Stop Teacher
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
STEVEN WRIGHT

Drive Learning Yourself
Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.
STEVEN WRIGHT

Memories Myself Past Thinking
All those who believe in psychokinesis – raise my hand.
STEVEN WRIGHT

Believe Funny Hands Myself Science Yourself
If heat rises, then heaven must be hotter than hell.
STEVEN WRIGHT

Heaven Hell Hot Rise Temperature Warm
Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racing car not called a racist?
STEVEN WRIGHT

Funny Identity Person Play Race
I went to a restaurant that serves ‘breakfast at any time’. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
STEVEN WRIGHT

Food Funny Myself Service Time
When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child… eventually.
STEVEN WRIGHT

Children Myself Quick Toy
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
STEVEN WRIGHT

Difference Ideas Person Research Steal
I got a new dog. He’s a paranoid retriever. He brings back everything because he’s not sure what I threw him.
STEVEN WRIGHT

Animal Dog Himself Myself Return
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
STEVEN WRIGHT

Angry Depression Enthusiasm One Liner Perspective Sick
You know what scares me? When you have to be nice to some paranoid schizophrenic, just because she lives in your head.
STEVEN WRIGHT

Act Attitude Head Herself Live Scare Yourself

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