I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
STEVEN WRIGHTIf vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
More Steven Wright Quotes
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If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
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If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?
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Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery’s dead?
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If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you.
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If it’s a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.
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I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
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My doctor told me I shouldn’t work out until I’m in better shape. I told him, ‘All right; don’t send me a bill until I pay you.’
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Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny?
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To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
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There’s a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
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Why, in a country of free speech, are there phone bills?
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You know what scares me? When you have to be nice to some paranoid schizophrenic, just because she lives in your head.
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Why don’t they just make mouse-flavored cat food?
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I went for a walk last night and she asked me how long I was going to be gone. I said, ‘The whole time.
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Why isn’t the number 11 pronounced onety one?
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Always remember your unique, just like everyone else.
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Five out of four people have trouble with fractions.
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Clones are people two.
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I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans.
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Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
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How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?
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Imagine how weird phones would look if your mouth was nowhere near your ears.
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Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
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I’m addicted to placebos. I could quit, but it wouldn’t matter.
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If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
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I think it’s wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.
STEVEN WRIGHT