“I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one.”

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

How do you get off a non-stop flight?

I’m addicted to placebos. I could quit, but it wouldn’t matter.

I am writing a book. So far I have the pages numbered.

If Dracula can’t see his reflection in a mirror, how come his hair is always so neatly combed?

If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?

If heat rises, then heaven must be hotter than hell.

When everything’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.

I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

In my house there’s this light switch that doesn’t do anything. Every so often, I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Germany. She said ‘cut it out’

If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren’t people from Holland called Holes?

When I turned two I was really anxious, because I’d doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I’m six I’ll be ninety.

Clones are people two.

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

My nephew has HDADHD. High Definition Attention Deficit Disorder. He can barely pay attention, but when he does it’s unbelievably clear.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

As funny as some photos can be, think twice about allowing yourself to be tagged in questionable photos.

Behind every great man there stands a great woman. Behind every great woman is a great behind.

You can fool some of the people all of the time, and all the people some of the time, which is just long enough to be president of the United States.

Airplane travel is nature’s way of making you look like your passport photo.

Before I came here I was confused about this subject. Having listened to your lecture I am still confused. But on a higher level.

Do you know, it’s funny, but I never thought of being blind as a disadvantage, and I never thought of being black as a disadvantage.

If truth is beauty, how come no one has their hair done in the library?

If penicillin can cure those that are ill, Spanish sherry can bring the dead back to life.