I think it’s wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.
STEVEN WRIGHTI’m addicted to placebos. I could quit, but it wouldn’t matter.
More Steven Wright Quotes
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When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child… eventually.
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In my house there’s this light switch that doesn’t do anything. Every so often, I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Germany. She said ‘cut it out’
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Imagine how weird phones would look if your mouth was nowhere near your ears.
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Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.
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Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
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Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don’t they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the postmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?
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I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
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If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?
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My doctor told me I shouldn’t work out until I’m in better shape. I told him, ‘All right; don’t send me a bill until I pay you.’
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I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one.
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Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racing car not called a racist?
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Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
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On the other hand, you have different fingers.
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If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?
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If heat rises, then heaven must be hotter than hell.
STEVEN WRIGHT