Why doesn’t Tarzan have a beard? Why doesn’t glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
STEVEN WRIGHTIf you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?
More Steven Wright Quotes
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How come abbreviated is such a long word?
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I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?
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I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans.
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Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery’s dead?
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Clones are people two.
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I am writing a book. So far I have the pages numbered.
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My doctor told me I shouldn’t work out until I’m in better shape. I told him, ‘All right; don’t send me a bill until I pay you.’
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If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
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My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon’s appointments.
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If Dracula can’t see his reflection in a mirror, how come his hair is always so neatly combed?
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If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
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The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
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If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren’t people from Holland called Holes?
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Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.
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When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobody’s perfect so I stopped practicing.
STEVEN WRIGHT