I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
STEVEN WRIGHTIf you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?
More Steven Wright Quotes
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The other night I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars, and I wondered, ‘Where the hell is my roof?
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I’m a psychic amnesiac. I know in advance what I’ll forget.
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If a mute kid swears, should his mother wash his hands with soap?
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If it’s a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.
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In my house there’s this light switch that doesn’t do anything. Every so often, I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Germany. She said ‘cut it out’
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It was the first time I was ever in love, and I learned a lot. Before that I’d never even thought about killing myself.
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My nephew has HDADHD. High Definition Attention Deficit Disorder. He can barely pay attention, but when he does it’s unbelievably clear.
STEVEN WRIGHT -
Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don’t they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the postmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?
STEVEN WRIGHT -
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
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Always remember your unique, just like everyone else.
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If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?
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If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?
STEVEN WRIGHT -
I got a new dog. He’s a paranoid retriever. He brings back everything because he’s not sure what I threw him.
STEVEN WRIGHT -
For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier. I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.
STEVEN WRIGHT -
Support bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have.
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When I turned two I was really anxious, because I’d doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I’m six I’ll be ninety.
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I installed a skylight in my apartment, the people who live above me are furious!
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One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, “Didn’t you see the stop sign?” I said, “Yeah, but I don’t believe everything I read”
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The older you get, the more you learn to see what you’ve been taught to see. When you’re a kid, you see what’s there.
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Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racing car not called a racist?
STEVEN WRIGHT -
I went for a walk last night and she asked me how long I was going to be gone. I said, ‘The whole time.
STEVEN WRIGHT -
Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring… ‘How to Build a Boat.’
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On the other hand, you have different fingers.
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If heat rises, then heaven must be hotter than hell.
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Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.
STEVEN WRIGHT -
Some friends of mine got me a sweater for my birthday. I’d have preferred a moaner or a screamer, but the sweater was OK.
STEVEN WRIGHT