If Dracula can’t see his reflection in a mirror, how come his hair is always so neatly combed?
STEVEN WRIGHTHow much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn’t live there?
More Steven Wright Quotes
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In my house there’s this light switch that doesn’t do anything. Every so often, I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Germany. She said ‘cut it out’
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You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
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When I turned two I was really anxious, because I’d doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I’m six I’ll be ninety.
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If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?
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I’m addicted to placebos. I could quit, but it wouldn’t matter.
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Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he’ll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.
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Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
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There’s a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
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My nephew has HDADHD. High Definition Attention Deficit Disorder. He can barely pay attention, but when he does it’s unbelievably clear.
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Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
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Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.
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If a mute kid swears, should his mother wash his hands with soap?
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I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
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Why isn’t the number 11 pronounced onety one?
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I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
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One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, “Didn’t you see the stop sign?” I said, “Yeah, but I don’t believe everything I read”
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Imagine how weird phones would look if your mouth was nowhere near your ears.
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The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
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Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
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If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
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When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobody’s perfect so I stopped practicing.
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I got a new dog. He’s a paranoid retriever. He brings back everything because he’s not sure what I threw him.
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Some friends of mine got me a sweater for my birthday. I’d have preferred a moaner or a screamer, but the sweater was OK.
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If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
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Everyone has a photographic Memory, some just don’t have film.
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Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.
STEVEN WRIGHT