For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier. I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.
STEVEN WRIGHTHow much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn’t live there?
More Steven Wright Quotes
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The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
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Half the people you know are below average.
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If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
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I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?
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Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racing car not called a racist?
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Five out of four people have trouble with fractions.
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I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one.
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My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon’s appointments.
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Support bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have.
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I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
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You know when you’re sitting on a chair and you lean back so you’re just on two legs and you lean too far so you almost fall over but at the last second you catch yourself? I feel like that all the time.
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On the other hand, you have different fingers.
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If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?
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If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
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I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
STEVEN WRIGHT