If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?
STEVEN WRIGHTWhy is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
More Steven Wright Quotes
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A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
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I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
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If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
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I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.
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Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring… ‘How to Build a Boat.’
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When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobody’s perfect so I stopped practicing.
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If a mute kid swears, should his mother wash his hands with soap?
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You know what scares me? When you have to be nice to some paranoid schizophrenic, just because she lives in your head.
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I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
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I wish the first word I ever said was the word “quote”, so right before I die I could say “unquote”.
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One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, “Didn’t you see the stop sign?” I said, “Yeah, but I don’t believe everything I read”
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I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
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When everything’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
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How do you get off a non-stop flight?
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If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
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Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
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I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?
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I installed a skylight in my apartment, the people who live above me are furious!
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I think it’s wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.
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If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
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The older you get, the more you learn to see what you’ve been taught to see. When you’re a kid, you see what’s there.
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Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.
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Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
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If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?
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All those who believe in psychokinesis – raise my hand.
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Always remember your unique, just like everyone else.
STEVEN WRIGHT