Support bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have.
STEVEN WRIGHTWhy is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
More Steven Wright Quotes
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If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
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If a mute kid swears, should his mother wash his hands with soap?
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Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.
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I’m a psychic amnesiac. I know in advance what I’ll forget.
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If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren’t people from Holland called Holes?
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The other night I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars, and I wondered, ‘Where the hell is my roof?
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I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
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How come abbreviated is such a long word?
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Always remember your unique, just like everyone else.
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Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
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Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don’t they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the postmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?
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Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring… ‘How to Build a Boat.’
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When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobody’s perfect so I stopped practicing.
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Imagine how weird phones would look if your mouth was nowhere near your ears.
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Why isn’t the number 11 pronounced onety one?
STEVEN WRIGHT