I wish I could tell you it gets better. It doesn’t get better. You get better.
JOAN RIVERSTo the pessimist the light at the end of the tunnel is another train.
More Joan Rivers Quotes
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The last time I saw a blonde with red streaks in her hair she was laying on Oscar Pistorius’ bathroom floor.
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We all mourn in our own way. I mourn with a great steak.
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Put me up against Sarah Silverman and I could take her.
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I use a smoke alarm as a timer.
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A female salmon lays three thousand eggs a year – and has yet to receive a Mother’s Day card from one of them.
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Maybe I’m old-fashioned, but I believe when a woman enters a room, men should stand up – and gay men should stand up at least halfway.
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My daughter and I are very close, we speak every single day and I call her every day and I say the same thing, “pick up, I know you’re there.”
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You know you’re getting old when work is a lot less fun and fun is a lot more work.
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Nothing is yours permanently so you better enjoy it while it’s happening.
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I wish I had a twin, so I could know what I’d look like without plastic surgery.
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Comediennes are the lucky ones, because if you’re funny, you can be 125 years old and they will still accept you.
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I’m no cook. When I want lemon on chicken, I spray it with Pledge.
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If God wanted us to bend over he’d put diamonds on the floor.
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I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.
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People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.
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Travel is the excitement of life! Everything is an adventure, and if you look at it like that, even at the worst moment you can say: ‘We will laugh tomorrow about this.’ And you do.
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Elizabeth Taylor’s so fat she puts mayonnaise on aspirin.
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I have no boobs whatsoever. On my wedding night my husband said, ‘Let me help you with those buttons’ and I told him, ‘I’m completely naked’.
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The fashion magazines are suggesting that women wear clothes that are ‘age appropriate.’ For me that would be a shroud.
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When you first get married, they open the car door for you. Eighteen years now…once he opened the car door for me in the last four years – we were on the freeway at the time.
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On her daughter Melissa: The only time she really cried is when I sat her down and told her that she was not adopted.
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Something terrific will come no matter how dark the present.
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A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she’s a tramp.
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If two people want to get married, get married! The Victorians had a great saying: As long as it doesn’t scare the horses, do what you want. And I absolutely believe that.
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If you laugh at it, you can deal with it.
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I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
JOAN RIVERS