Some women take up the law and become lawyers. Other women lay down the law and become wives.
JOAN RIVERSA man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she’s a tramp.
More Joan Rivers Quotes
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When my husband Edgar and I were courting, he said he couldn’t wait to have a baby. It was only after we were married that he changed his mind and decided that I should have the baby.
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She doesn’t understand the concept of Roman numerals. She thought we just fought in world war eleven.
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Why should a woman cook? So her husband can say ‘My wife makes a delicious cake’ to some hooker?
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On the Vanna White diet, you only eat what you can spell.
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I succeeded by saying what everyone else is thinking.
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Something terrific will come no matter how dark the present.
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On her daughter Melissa: The only time she really cried is when I sat her down and told her that she was not adopted.
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When you first get married, they open the car door for you. Eighteen years now…once he opened the car door for me in the last four years – we were on the freeway at the time.
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A Mafia guy in Vegas gave me this advice: “Run your own race, put on your blinders.”
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My earliest childhood memory was watching my parents loosen the wheels on my stroller.
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I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
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I’m in nobody’s circle, I’ve always been an outsider.
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Maybe I’m old-fashioned, but I believe when a woman enters a room, men should stand up – and gay men should stand up at least halfway.
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I enjoy life when things are happening. I don’t care if it’s good things or bad things. That means you’re alive.
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Don’t tell your kids you had an easy birth or they won’t respect you. For years I used to wake up my daughter and say, ‘Melissa you ripped me to shreds. Now go back to sleep.’.
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We don’t apologize for a joke. We are comics. We are here to make you laugh. If you don’t get it, then don’t watch us.
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Travel is the excitement of life! Everything is an adventure, and if you look at it like that, even at the worst moment you can say: ‘We will laugh tomorrow about this.’ And you do.
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In life the only thing that you can expect is the unexpected; the only surprise is a day that has none.
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Moving on is a gift you give yourself.
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Money can’t buy you happiness but it can pay for the plastic surgery.
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Happiness, at my age, is breathing
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One of the most rebellious things a woman can do is allow people to think she’s mean.
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There are many self-help books by Ph.D.s, but I hold a different degree: an I.B.T.I.A.-I’ve Been Through It All. This degree comes not on parchment but gauze, and it entitles me to tell you that there is a way to get through any misfortune.
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Elizabeth Taylor’s so fat she puts mayonnaise on aspirin.
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I was smart enough to go through any door that opened.
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I said Justin Bieber looked like a little lesbian — and I stand by it: He’s the daughter Cher wishes she’d had.
JOAN RIVERS