“A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she’s a tramp.”

Don’t tell your kids you had an easy birth or they won’t respect you. For years I used to wake up my daughter and say, ‘Melissa you ripped me to shreds. Now go back to sleep.’.

If God wanted us to bend over he’d put diamonds on the floor.

I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, ‘Get the hell off my property.’

You have to do more than just kill time or time will quickly kill you.

I was smart enough to go through any door that opened.

Don’t worry about the money. Love the process.

My daughter and I are very close, we speak every single day and I call her every day and I say the same thing, “pick up, I know you’re there.”

My parents hated me. All I ever heard was, “Why can’t you be like your cousin Shelia? Why can’t you be like your cousin Shelia?” Shelia had died at birth.

If you can’t make fun of yourself, you don’t have any right to make fun of others.

Just remember: Surviving is the best revenge, no matter what the disaster has been.

The first time I see a jogger smiling, I’ll consider it.

Put me up against Sarah Silverman and I could take her.

I enjoy life when things are happening. I don’t care if it’s good things or bad things. That means you’re alive.

Before we make love, my husband takes a pain killer.

If two people want to get married, get married! The Victorians had a great saying: As long as it doesn’t scare the horses, do what you want. And I absolutely believe that.

I’m no cook. When I want lemon on chicken, I spray it with Pledge.

Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.

Animals are my friends and I don’t eat my friends.

Once you can accept the universe as matter expanding into nothing that is something, wearing stripes with plaid comes easy.

A pessimist is a man who thinks everybody is as nasty as himself, and hates them for it.

These young guys are playing checkers. I’m out there playing chess.

In heaven, all the interesting people are missing.

My books are water; those of the great geniuses is wine. Everybody drinks water.

When it is a question of money, everybody is of the same religion.