People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.
JOAN RIVERSPeople say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.
JOAN RIVERSI said Justin Bieber looked like a little lesbian — and I stand by it: He’s the daughter Cher wishes she’d had.
JOAN RIVERSLife is so tough. I don’t know how old you are, but I’ve seen so much in a wink. One phone call and your life is changed forever. We all know that. You better laugh at everything.
JOAN RIVERSI have no boobs whatsoever. On my wedding night my husband said, ‘Let me help you with those buttons’ and I told him, ‘I’m completely naked’.
JOAN RIVERSI have a million dollar figure but it’s all loose change.
JOAN RIVERSTravel is the excitement of life! Everything is an adventure, and if you look at it like that, even at the worst moment you can say: ‘We will laugh tomorrow about this.’ And you do.
JOAN RIVERSYou know why I feel older? I went to buy sexy underwear and they automatically gift wrapped it.
JOAN RIVERSOn the Vanna White diet, you only eat what you can spell.
JOAN RIVERSBefore we make love, my husband takes a pain killer.
JOAN RIVERSLife is a movie, and you’re the star. Give it a happy ending.
JOAN RIVERSMy earliest childhood memory was watching my parents loosen the wheels on my stroller.
JOAN RIVERSDon’t follow any advice, no matter how good, until you feel as deeply in your spirit as you think in your mind that the counsel is wise.
JOAN RIVERSGrandchildren can be annoying – how many times can you go: “And the cow goes moo and the pig goes oink”? It’s like talking to a supermodel.
JOAN RIVERSI have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.
JOAN RIVERSDon’t worry about the money. Love the process.
JOAN RIVERSI got a waterbed, but my husband stocked it with trout.
JOAN RIVERS