My earliest childhood memory was watching my parents loosen the wheels on my stroller.
JOAN RIVERSMy earliest childhood memory was watching my parents loosen the wheels on my stroller.
JOAN RIVERSMy mother could make anybody feel guilty – she used to get letters of apology from people she didn’t even know.
JOAN RIVERSYour anger can be 49 percent and your comedy 51 percent, and you’re okay. If the anger is 51 percent, the comedy is gone.
JOAN RIVERSI’m racist? How can that even be possible? I was a friend of Michael Jackson’s back when he was black.
JOAN RIVERSLife is a movie, and you’re the star. Give it a happy ending.
JOAN RIVERSMy parents hated me. All I ever heard was, “Why can’t you be like your cousin Shelia? Why can’t you be like your cousin Shelia?” Shelia had died at birth.
JOAN RIVERSI have no boobs whatsoever. On my wedding night my husband said, ‘Let me help you with those buttons’ and I told him, ‘I’m completely naked’.
JOAN RIVERSWhy should a woman cook? So her husband can say ‘My wife makes a delicious cake’ to some hooker?
JOAN RIVERSI’ve had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.
JOAN RIVERSHappiness, at my age, is breathing
JOAN RIVERSBo Derek turned down the role of Helen Keller because she couldn’t remember the lines.
JOAN RIVERSTravel is the excitement of life! Everything is an adventure, and if you look at it like that, even at the worst moment you can say: ‘We will laugh tomorrow about this.’ And you do.
JOAN RIVERSThe last time I saw a blonde with red streaks in her hair she was laying on Oscar Pistorius’ bathroom floor.
JOAN RIVERSMaybe I’m old-fashioned, but I believe when a woman enters a room, men should stand up – and gay men should stand up at least halfway.
JOAN RIVERSSomething terrific will come no matter how dark the present.
JOAN RIVERSWhy should a woman cook? So her husband can say ‘My wife makes a delicious cake’ to some hooker?
JOAN RIVERS