I saw what’s going on under my chin. I don’t want to be the one the President has to pardon on Thanksgiving.
JOAN RIVERSI saw what’s going on under my chin. I don’t want to be the one the President has to pardon on Thanksgiving.
JOAN RIVERSOld age is always ten years more than we are.
JOAN RIVERSBo Derek turned down the role of Helen Keller because she couldn’t remember the lines.
JOAN RIVERSI have a million dollar figure but it’s all loose change.
JOAN RIVERSI was born in 1962, and the room next to me was 1963.
JOAN RIVERSTo the pessimist the light at the end of the tunnel is another train.
JOAN RIVERSI got a waterbed, but my husband stocked it with trout.
JOAN RIVERSMoney can’t buy you happiness but it can pay for the plastic surgery.
JOAN RIVERSA Mafia guy in Vegas gave me this advice: “Run your own race, put on your blinders.”
JOAN RIVERSWith age comes wisdom. You don’t need big boobs to be feminine. Look at Liberace.
JOAN RIVERSThe first rule of survival is: Make your own rules. The hell anyone thinks about the way you’re acting; listen only to yourself.
JOAN RIVERSI have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.
JOAN RIVERSWomen should look good. Work on yourselves. Education? I spit on education. No man is ever going to put his hand up your dress looking for a library card.
JOAN RIVERSDon’t worry about the money. Love the process.
JOAN RIVERSFlorida wants to change the state’s motto to attract younger people. They’re thinking about: More than just a great place to die.
JOAN RIVERSMaybe I’m old-fashioned, but I believe when a woman enters a room, men should stand up – and gay men should stand up at least halfway.
JOAN RIVERS