People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.
JOAN RIVERSYou know it’s time to start using mouthwash when your dentist leaves the room and sends in a canary.
More Joan Rivers Quotes
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On the Vanna White diet, you only eat what you can spell.
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With age comes wisdom. You don’t need big boobs to be feminine. Look at Liberace.
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Life is a movie, and you’re the star. Give it a happy ending.
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Money can’t buy you happiness but it can pay for the plastic surgery.
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Elizabeth Taylor’s so fat she puts mayonnaise on aspirin.
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I said Justin Bieber looked like a little lesbian — and I stand by it: He’s the daughter Cher wishes she’d had.
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Why should a woman cook? So her husband can say ‘My wife makes a delicious cake’ to some hooker?
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Here’s a Thanksgiving tip. Generally, your turkey is not cooked enough if it passes you the cranberry sauce.
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Keep moving. It’s hard for old age to hit a moving target.
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Why should a woman cook? So her husband can say ‘My wife makes a delicious cake’ to some hooker?
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You know you’re getting old when work is a lot less fun and fun is a lot more work.
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Nothing is yours permanently so you better enjoy it while it’s happening.
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I saw what’s going on under my chin. I don’t want to be the one the President has to pardon on Thanksgiving.
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My parents hated me. All I ever heard was, “Why can’t you be like your cousin Shelia? Why can’t you be like your cousin Shelia?” Shelia had died at birth.
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I have no boobs whatsoever. On my wedding night my husband said, ‘Let me help you with those buttons’ and I told him, ‘I’m completely naked’.
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On the Vanna White diet, you only eat what you can spell.
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Don’t tell your kids you had an easy birth or they won’t respect you. For years I used to wake up my daughter and say, ‘Melissa you ripped me to shreds. Now go back to sleep.’.
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Comediennes are the lucky ones, because if you’re funny, you can be 125 years old and they will still accept you.
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We don’t apologize for a joke. We are comics. We are here to make you laugh. If you don’t get it, then don’t watch us.
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A Mafia guy in Vegas gave me this advice: “Run your own race, put on your blinders.”
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The fashion magazines are suggesting that women wear clothes that are ‘age appropriate.’ For me that would be a shroud.
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On her daughter Melissa: The only time she really cried is when I sat her down and told her that she was not adopted.
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If two people want to get married, get married! The Victorians had a great saying: As long as it doesn’t scare the horses, do what you want. And I absolutely believe that.
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Bo Derek turned down the role of Helen Keller because she couldn’t remember the lines.
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Why should a woman cook? So her husband can say ‘My wife makes a delicious cake’ to some hooker?
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I wish I had a twin, so I could know what I’d look like without plastic surgery.
JOAN RIVERS