“You know it’s time to start using mouthwash when your dentist leaves the room and sends in a canary.”

I wish I could tell you it gets better. It doesn’t get better. You get better.

Life goes by fast. Enjoy it…Everyone gets so upset about the wrong things.

Better laid than never.

We all mourn in our own way. I mourn with a great steak.

Life is a movie, and you’re the star. Give it a happy ending.

In life the only thing that you can expect is the unexpected; the only surprise is a day that has none.

A female salmon lays three thousand eggs a year – and has yet to receive a Mother’s Day card from one of them.

I said Justin Bieber looked like a little lesbian — and I stand by it: He’s the daughter Cher wishes she’d had.

Maybe I’m old-fashioned, but I believe when a woman enters a room, men should stand up – and gay men should stand up at least halfway.

I have a million dollar figure but it’s all loose change.

Old age is always ten years more than we are.

Happiness, at my age, is breathing

There are many self-help books by Ph.D.s, but I hold a different degree: an I.B.T.I.A.-I’ve Been Through It All. This degree comes not on parchment but gauze, and it entitles me to tell you that there is a way to get through any misfortune.

You know you’re getting old when work is a lot less fun and fun is a lot more work.

Bo Derek turned down the role of Helen Keller because she couldn’t remember the lines.

I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.

America will tolerate the taking of a human life without giving it a second thought. But don’t misuse a household pet.

Just because a chicken was born in the oven doesn’t make it a biscuit.

Men are rather reasoning than reasonable animals, for the most part governed by the impulse of passion.

I always keep a supply of stimulant handy in case I see a snake, which I also keep handy.

I didn’t squawk about the steak, dear. I merely said I didn’t see that old horse that used to be tethered outside here.

He who is cruel to animals becomes hard also in his dealings with men. We can judge the heart of a man by his treatment of animals.

Regard it as just as desirable to build a chicken house as to build a cathedral.

Men are reasoning rather than reasonable animals.