“Even Napoleon had his Watergate.”

I always got nervous the nights we played in the World Series. First pitch, I was nervous. Then after that, forget it; I’d start playing.

I’m not going to buy my kids an encyclopedia. Let them walk to school like I did.

Whatever you do, you should do it with feeling.

If people don’t want to come out to the ball park, nobody’s gonna stop ’em.

I’m lucky. Usually you’re dead to get your own museum, but I’m still alive to see mine.

You better cut the pizza in four pieces because I’m not hungry enough to eat six.

If you don’t set goals, you can’t regret not reaching them.

Nobody can be all smiley all the time, but having a good positive attitude isn’t something to shrug off.

I wish I had an answer to that because I’m tired of answering that question.

Laughter is the shock absorber that eases the blows of life.

Laughter is the shock absorber that eases the blows of life.

You’ve got to be very careful if you don’t know where you are going, because you might not get there.

If my father was alive to hear that, he’d turn over in his grave.

It’s tough to make predictions, especially about the future.

You have to give 100 percent in the first half of the game. If that isn’t enough, in the second half, you have to give what’s left.

Ok you guys, pair up in threes!

I got my hair highlighted because I felt some strands were more important than others.

I don’t own a cell phone or a pager. I just hang around everyone I know, all the time. If someone wants to get a hold of me, they just say ‘Mitch,’ and I say ‘what?’ and turn my head slightly.

An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience.

You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don’t want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something.

I’ve never been to a hotel with a rotating restaurant on top, but one time I took my girlfriend to a merry-go-round, and I gave her a burrito.

Here’s a thought for sweat shop owners: Air Conditioning. Problem solved.

One time I stayed at a haunted motel. When I checked into my room, there was a sheet on the floor, and I thought it was a ghost that had passed out, so I kicked it.

Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.