“Laughter is the shock absorber that eases the blows of life.”

Never answer an anonymous letter.

He can run anytime he wants. I’m giving him the red light.

I didn’t know much about golf growing up.

All pitchers are liars or crybabies.

Well, I used to look like this when I was young and now I still do.

Congratulations. I knew the record would stand until it was broken.

What difference does the uniform make? You don’t hit with it.

I guess the first thing I should do is thank everybody who made this day necessary.

Always go to other people’s funerals, otherwise they won’t come to yours.

Losing is a learning experience. It teaches you humility. It teaches you to work harder. It’s also a powerful motivator.

There are some people who, if they don’t already know, you can’t tell ’em.

80 percent of the balls that don’t reach the hole, don’t go in.

I guess I’ve got a smart wife.

The other teams could make trouble for us if they win.

It was impossible to get a conversation going, everybody was talking too much.

Pitching always beats batting – and vice-versa.

When I am happy I feel like crying, but when I am sad I don’t feel like laughing. I think it is better to be happy; then you get two feelings for the price of one.

Life without laughing is a dreary blank.

A good laugh is sunshine in the house.

Out of the fictitious book I get the expression of the life, of the times, of the manners, of the merriment, of the dress, the pleasure, the laughter, the ridicules of society. The old times live again. Can the heaviest historian do more for me?

But what if I fail of my purpose here? It is but to keep the nerves at strain, to dry one’s eyes and laugh at a fall, and baffled, get up and begin again.

Yet they that know all things but know That all this life can give us is, A child’s laughter, a woman’s kiss.

There is a time to live, a time to die, a time to laugh, and at no time are the three of them very far apart.

I promise I shall never give up, and that I’ll die yelling and laughing, and that until then I’ll rush around this world I insist is holy and pull at everyone’s lapel and make them confess to me and to all.