“A church is a place in which gentlemen who have never been to Heaven brag about it to persons who will never get there.”

If a politician found he had cannibals among his constituents, he would promise them missionaries for dinner.

There are two impossibilities in life: “just one drink” and “an honest politician.”

People do not expect to find chastity in a whorehouse. Why, then, do they expect to find honesty and humanity in government, a congeries of institutions whose modus operandi consists of lying, cheating, stealing, and if need be, murdering those who resist?

Always remember this: If you don’t attend the funerals of your friends, they will certainly not attend yours.

The one permanent emotion of the inferior man is fear – fear of the unknown, the complex, the inexplicable. What he wants above everything else is safety.

On one issue, at least, men and women agree. They both distrust women.

A sense of humor always withers in the presence of the messianic delusion, like justice and the truth in front of patriotic passion.

Love is like war: easy to begin but very hard to stop.

Every election is a sort of advance auction sale of stolen goods.

Journalism is to politician as dog is to lamp-post.

Under democracy one party always devotes its chief energies to trying to prove that the other party is unfit to rule—and both commonly succeed, and are right.

In this world of sin and sorrow there is always something to be thankful for; as for me, I rejoice that I am not a Republican.

A man may be a fool and not know it, but not if he is married.

The State doesn’t just want you to obey, it wants to make you WANT to obey.

The final test of truth is ridicule. Very few dogmas have ever faced it and survived.

Sometimes the idiots outvote the sensible people.

The first time I see a jogger smiling, I’ll consider it.

I’ve been screaming at the top of my lungs at my family, ‘Work out! Work out! Old age is coming!’

Life goes by fast. Enjoy it. Calm down. It’s all funny.

I’ve had so many rebirths, I should come with my own midwife by now.

Men at most differ as Heaven and Earth, but women, worst and best, as Heaven and Hell.

A study says owning a dog makes you 10 years younger. My first thought was to rescue two more, but I don’t want to go through menopause again.

Donald Trump can’t come up with a hairstyle that looks human, how can he come up with a plan to defeat ISIS.

You know why I feel older? I went to buy sexy underwear and they automatically gift wrapped it.