“If two men agree on everything, you may be sure that one of them is doing the thinking.”

John ain’t been worth a damn since he started wearing $300 suits.

The noblest search is the search for excellence.

Jerry Ford is so dumb he can’t walk and chew gum at the same time. He’s a nice fellow, but he spent too much time playing football without a helmet.

The Russians feared Ike. They didn’t fear me.

Being president is like being a jackass in a hailstorm. There’s nothing to do but to stand there and take it.

In a nation of millions and a world of billions, the individual is still the first and basic agent of change.

Knowledge is of two kinds: we know a subject itself, or know where to find it.

Light at the end of the tunnel? We don’t even have a tunnel; we don’t even know where the tunnel is.

I am going to build the kind of nation that President Roosevelt hoped for, President Truman worked for, and President Kennedy died for.

…International education cannot be the work of one country. It is the responsibility and promise of all nations. It calls for free exchange and full collaboration…The knowledge of our citizens is one treasure which grows only when it is shared.

While you’re saving your face, you’re losing your ass.

Doing what’s right isn’t the problem. It is knowing what’s right.

There are no favorites in my office. I treat them all with the same general inconsideration.

No national sovereignty rules in outer space. Those who venture there go as envoys of the entire human race. Their quest, therefore, must be for all mankind, and what they find should belong to all mankind.

If you let a bully come in and chase you out of your front yard, he’ll be on your porch and the next day he’ll rape your wife in your own bed.

Lincoln was right about not fooling all the people all the time. But Republicans haven’t given up trying.

Here’s a thought for sweat shop owners: Air Conditioning. Problem solved.

One time I stayed at a haunted motel. When I checked into my room, there was a sheet on the floor, and I thought it was a ghost that had passed out, so I kicked it.

Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.

An Irishman needs three things : silence, cunnning, and exile.

I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like, “Dude, you have to wait”.

I was in a convenience store, reading a magazine. The clerk told me, “this is not a library!” “OK! I will talk louder, then!”

I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You’ll be mad, but it will be too late.

When I was a boy, I laid in my twin-sized bed and wondered where my brother was.