The only thing a lawyer won’t question is the legitimacy of his mother.
W. C. FIELDSSex isn’t necessary. You don’t die without it, but you can die having it.
More W. C. Fields Quotes
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Comedy is merely tragedy happening to someone else.
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Yes I do like children, Girl children, about eighteen or twenty.
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I don’t drink water. Have you seen the way it rusts pipes?
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Now don’t say you can’t swear off drinking; it’s easy. I’ve done it a thousand times.
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Comedy is a serious business. A serious business with only one purpose -to make people laugh.
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The clever cat eats cheese and breathes down rat holes with baited breath.
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Prayers never bring anything, They may bring solace to the sap, the bigot, the ignorant, the aboriginal, and the lazy – but to the enlightened it is the same as asking Santa Claus to bring you something for Xmas.
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A woman drove me to drink and I didn’t even have the decency to thank her.
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Try till you succeed, if you don’t succeed once, then destroy all evidence of the fact that you tried!
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Reality is an illusion that occurs due to the lack of alcohol.
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I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.
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I’m free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.
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I have been advised by the best medical authority, at my age, not to attempt to give up alcohol.
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I have spent a lot of time searching through the Bible for loopholes.
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I used to be indecisive, now I’m not so sure.
W. C. FIELDS