I drink therefore I am.
W. C. FIELDSSex isn’t necessary. You don’t die without it, but you can die having it.
More W. C. Fields Quotes
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Christmas at my house is always at least six or seven times more pleasant than anywhere else. We start drinking early. And while everyone else is seeing only one Santa Claus, we’ll be seeing six or seven.
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I have spent a lot of time searching through the Bible for loopholes.
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If pigs had wings, they would be pigeons.
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If it is a joint return, we are instructed to print the given names of both husband and wife. But since some of the names that husband and wife give each other are hardly suited to print, we must proceed cautiously.
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I’m looking for loopholes. (Said when caught reading the Bible.
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Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.
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Drat! Being the encapsulated view of life.
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There’s no such thing as a tough child – if you parboil them first for seven hours, they always come out tender.
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I personally stay away from natural foods. At my age I need all the preservatives I can get.
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It is well to remember that there are five reasons for drinking: the arrival of a friend, one’s present or future thirst, the excellence of the cognac, or any other reason.
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I’m free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.
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I never drink water. I’m afraid it will become habit-forming.
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It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.
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Somebody’s been putting pineapple juice in my pineapple juice!
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The clever cat eats cheese and breathes down rat holes with baited breath.
W. C. FIELDS