Just like my Uncle Charlie used to say, just before he sprung the trap: He said, You can’t cheat and honest man! Never give a sucker an even break or smarten up a chump!
W. C. FIELDSSex isn’t necessary. You don’t die without it, but you can die having it.
More W. C. Fields Quotes
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Marry an outdoors woman. Then if you throw her out into the yard on a cold night, she can still survive.
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Attitude is more important than the past, than education, than money, than circumstances, than what people do or say. It is more important than appearance, giftedness, or skill.
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The laziest man I ever met put popcorn in his pancakes so they would turn over by themselves.
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Alcoholic: anybody who drinks more than I do.
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If pigs had wings, they would be pigeons.
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Sleep! The most beautiful experience in life. Except drink.
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I must have a drink of breakfast.
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I drink therefore I am.
W. C. FIELDS -
If it is a joint return, we are instructed to print the given names of both husband and wife. But since some of the names that husband and wife give each other are hardly suited to print, we must proceed cautiously.
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Some people are born losers; others acquire the knack gradually.
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Everybody’s got to believe in something. I believe I’ll have another beer.
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A woman drove me to drink and I didn’t even have the decency to thank her.
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Reality is an illusion that occurs due to the lack of alcohol.
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Wouldn’t it be terrible if I quoted some reliable statistics which prove that more people are driven insane through religious hysteria than by drinking alcohol.
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There comes a time in the affairs of man when he must take the bull by the tail and face the situation.
W. C. FIELDS