I never voted for anybody. I always voted against.
W. C. FIELDSSex isn’t necessary. You don’t die without it, but you can die having it.
More W. C. Fields Quotes
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You can’t cheat an honest man.
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I never smoked a cigar in my life until I was nine.
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I don’t drink anymore, on the other hand I don’t drink any less either.
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I always keep a supply of stimulant handy in case I see a snake, which I also keep handy.
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Beer: Helping ugly people have sex since 3000 B. C.
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I spent half my money on gambling, alcohol and wild women. The other half I wasted.
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Somebody’s been putting pineapple juice in my pineapple juice!
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I have spent a lot of time searching through the Bible for loopholes.
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Comedy is a serious business. A serious business with only one purpose -to make people laugh.
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Philadelphia, wonderful town, spent a week there one night.
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Sex isn’t necessary. You don’t die without it, but you can die having it.
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It is well to remember that there are five reasons for drinking: the arrival of a friend, one’s present or future thirst, the excellence of the cognac, or any other reason.
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Trust everybody, but cut the cards yourself.
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Now don’t say you can’t swear off drinking; it’s easy. I’ve done it a thousand times.
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Christmas at my house is always at least six or seven times more pleasant than anywhere else. We start drinking early. And while everyone else is seeing only one Santa Claus, we’ll be seeing six or seven.
W. C. FIELDS