Just like my Uncle Charlie used to say, just before he sprung the trap: He said, You can’t cheat and honest man! Never give a sucker an even break or smarten up a chump!
W. C. FIELDSSex isn’t necessary. You don’t die without it, but you can die having it.
More W. C. Fields Quotes
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I never met a kid I liked.
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There comes a time in the affairs of man when he must take the bull by the tail and face the situation.
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I’m free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.
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I only drink to steady my nerves, sometimes I’m so steady I don’t move for months.
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I spent half my money on gambling, alcohol and wild women. The other half I wasted.
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A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money.
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Sleep! The most beautiful experience in life. Except drink.
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A thing worth having is a thing worth cheating for.
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Try till you succeed, if you don’t succeed once, then destroy all evidence of the fact that you tried!
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I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.
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There’s no such thing as a tough child – if you parboil them first for seven hours, they always come out tender.
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This job will drive me to drink, and for that reason, I will be eternally grateful.
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If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There’s no point in being a damn fool about it.
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Prayers never bring anything, They may bring solace to the sap, the bigot, the ignorant, the aboriginal, and the lazy – but to the enlightened it is the same as asking Santa Claus to bring you something for Xmas.
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I have been advised by the best medical authority, at my age, not to attempt to give up alcohol.
W. C. FIELDS