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I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

W. C. Fields

No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it’s only a question of degree.
W. C. FIELDS

Crazy Doubt Existence Woman
The only thing a lawyer won’t question is the legitimacy of his mother.
W. C. FIELDS

Himself Mom
Wouldn’t it be terrible if I quoted some reliable statistics which prove that more people are driven insane through religious hysteria than by drinking alcohol.
W. C. FIELDS

Alcohol Myself People Religious Sanity
A woman drove me to drink and I didn’t even have the decency to thank her.
W. C. FIELDS

Herself Thankful Woman
You can’t trust water: Even a straight stick turns crooked in it.
W. C. FIELDS

Belief Trust Yourself
Sex isn’t necessary. You don’t die without it, but you can die having it.
W. C. FIELDS

Death Necessary Sex Yourself
When life hands you lemons, make whisky sours.
W. C. FIELDS

Hands Life Yourself
If I had to live my life over, I’d live over a saloon.
W. C. FIELDS

Life Live Myself
I’m free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.
W. C. FIELDS

Equality Freedom Hate Myself
The clever cat eats cheese and breathes down rat holes with baited breath.
W. C. FIELDS

Animal Breathe
Few things in life are more embarrassing than the necessity of having to inform an old friend that you have just got engaged to his fiancee.
W. C. FIELDS

Friendship Life Marriage Necessary Old Relationship
Just like my Uncle Charlie used to say, just before he sprung the trap: He said, You can’t cheat and honest man! Never give a sucker an even break or smarten up a chump!
W. C. FIELDS

Break Himself Honesty Man Myself Smart Yourself
I drink with impunity, or anyone else who invites me.
W. C. FIELDS

Company Myself
Alcoholic: anybody who drinks more than I do.
W. C. FIELDS

Alcohol Myself
I never smoked a cigar in my life until I was nine.
W. C. FIELDS

Life Myself Young
Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There’s nothing like having a midget for a butler.
W. C. FIELDS

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I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

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I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

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