I never smoked a cigar in my life until I was nine.
W. C. FIELDSI never smoked a cigar in my life until I was nine.
W. C. FIELDSI always keep a supply of stimulant handy in case I see a snake, which I also keep handy.
W. C. FIELDSI drink with impunity, or anyone else who invites me.
W. C. FIELDSI certainly do not drink all the time. I have to sleep you know.
W. C. FIELDSI am an expert of electricity. My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at the state prison.
W. C. FIELDSSome people are born losers; others acquire the knack gradually.
W. C. FIELDSIt is well to remember that there are five reasons for drinking: the arrival of a friend, one’s present or future thirst, the excellence of the cognac, or any other reason.
W. C. FIELDSThe only thing a lawyer won’t question is the legitimacy of his mother.
W. C. FIELDSIf it is a joint return, we are instructed to print the given names of both husband and wife. But since some of the names that husband and wife give each other are hardly suited to print, we must proceed cautiously.
W. C. FIELDSI spent half my money on gambling, alcohol and wild women. The other half I wasted.
W. C. FIELDSThe clever cat eats cheese and breathes down rat holes with baited breath.
W. C. FIELDSChristmas at my house is always at least six or seven times more pleasant than anywhere else. We start drinking early. And while everyone else is seeing only one Santa Claus, we’ll be seeing six or seven.
W. C. FIELDSSome things are better than sex, and some are worse, but there’s nothing exactly like it.
W. C. FIELDSNever try to impress a woman, because if you do she’ll expect you to keep up the standard for the rest of your life.
W. C. FIELDSAttitude is more important than the past, than education, than money, than circumstances, than what people do or say. It is more important than appearance, giftedness, or skill.
W. C. FIELDSI have spent a lot of time searching through the Bible for loopholes.
W. C. FIELDS