Try till you succeed, if you don’t succeed once, then destroy all evidence of the fact that you tried!
W. C. FIELDSChildren should neither be seen or heard from – ever again.
More W. C. Fields Quotes
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I never smoked a cigar in my life until I was nine.
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I have been advised by the best medical authority, at my age, not to attempt to give up alcohol.
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I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
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Christmas at my house is always at least six or seven times more pleasant than anywhere else. We start drinking early. And while everyone else is seeing only one Santa Claus, we’ll be seeing six or seven.
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I’m free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.
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Beer: Helping ugly people have sex since 3000 B. C.
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Marry an outdoors woman. Then if you throw her out into the yard on a cold night, she can still survive.
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My main ambition as a gardener is to water my orange trees with gin, then all I have to do is squeeze the juice into a glass.
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Some people are born losers; others acquire the knack gradually.
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I was in love with a beautiful blonde once. She drove me to drink. That’s the one thing I’m indebted to her for.
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Was I in here last night and did I spend a $20 bill? Oh, thank goodness… I thought I’d lost it.
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I used to be indecisive, now I’m not so sure.
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Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.
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Now don’t say you can’t swear off drinking; it’s easy. I’ve done it a thousand times.
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I don’t have to attend every argument I’m invited to.
W. C. FIELDS