I never eat before breakfast.
W. C. FIELDSSome things are better than sex, and some are worse, but there’s nothing exactly like it.
More W. C. Fields Quotes
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I like children. If they’re properly cooked.
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I don’t drink water. Have you seen the way it rusts pipes?
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Sleep! The most beautiful experience in life. Except drink.
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I never drink water. I’m afraid it will become habit-forming.
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Try till you succeed, if you don’t succeed once, then destroy all evidence of the fact that you tried!
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Anyone who hates children and animals can’t be all bad.
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If it is a joint return, we are instructed to print the given names of both husband and wife. But since some of the names that husband and wife give each other are hardly suited to print, we must proceed cautiously.
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I have spent a lot of time searching through the Bible for loopholes.
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I don’t drink anymore, on the other hand I don’t drink any less either.
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I exercise strong self control. I never drink anything stronger than gin before breakfast.
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Don’t worry about your heart, it will last you as long as you live.
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I only drink to steady my nerves, sometimes I’m so steady I don’t move for months.
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My main ambition as a gardener is to water my orange trees with gin, then all I have to do is squeeze the juice into a glass.
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I’m looking for loopholes. (Said when caught reading the Bible.
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Just like my Uncle Charlie used to say, just before he sprung the trap: He said, You can’t cheat and honest man! Never give a sucker an even break or smarten up a chump!
W. C. FIELDS