I don’t believe in dining on an empty stomach.
W. C. FIELDSSome things are better than sex, and some are worse, but there’s nothing exactly like it.
More W. C. Fields Quotes
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Never try to impress a woman, because if you do she’ll expect you to keep up the standard for the rest of your life.
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You can’t trust water: Even a straight stick turns crooked in it.
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Beer: Helping ugly people have sex since 3000 B. C.
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Drat! Being the encapsulated view of life.
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I never eat before breakfast.
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I only drink to steady my nerves, sometimes I’m so steady I don’t move for months.
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Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.
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You can fool some of the people some of the time and that’s enough to make a decent living.
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I never drink water. I’m afraid it will become habit-forming.
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Take me down to the bar! We’ll drink breakfast together!
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I have been advised by the best medical authority, at my age, not to attempt to give up alcohol.
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Just like my Uncle Charlie used to say, just before he sprung the trap: He said, You can’t cheat and honest man! Never give a sucker an even break or smarten up a chump!
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I drink therefore I am.
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There’s no such thing as a tough child – if you parboil them first for seven hours, they always come out tender.
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Marry an outdoors woman. Then if you throw her out into the yard on a cold night, she can still survive.
W. C. FIELDS