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Some things are better than sex, and some are worse, but there’s nothing exactly like it.

W. C. Fields

Yes I do like children, Girl children, about eighteen or twenty.
W. C. FIELDS

Children Myself Woman
I have spent a lot of time searching through the Bible for loopholes.
W. C. FIELDS

Myself Religion Time
Take me down to the bar! We’ll drink breakfast together!
W. C. FIELDS

Togetherness Travel
The clever cat eats cheese and breathes down rat holes with baited breath.
W. C. FIELDS

Animal Breathe
Few things in life are more embarrassing than the necessity of having to inform an old friend that you have just got engaged to his fiancee.
W. C. FIELDS

Friendship Life Marriage Necessary Old Relationship
During one of my treks through Afghanistan, we lost our corkscrew. We were compelled to live on food and water for several days.
W. C. FIELDS

Food Live Lost Struggle Travel
Philadelphia, wonderful town, spent a week there one night.
W. C. FIELDS

Night Time Wonderful
I never drink water. I’m afraid it will become habit-forming.
W. C. FIELDS

Habit Mad Myself Weird
Now don’t say you can’t swear off drinking; it’s easy. I’ve done it a thousand times.
W. C. FIELDS

Easy Time Yourself
A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money.
W. C. FIELDS

Man Money Poor Rich
Money will not buy happiness, but it will let you be unhappy in nice places.
W. C. FIELDS

Happiness Instagram Captions Money Place
You can’t trust water: Even a straight stick turns crooked in it.
W. C. FIELDS

Belief Trust Yourself
It is well to remember that there are five reasons for drinking: the arrival of a friend, one’s present or future thirst, the excellence of the cognac, or any other reason.
W. C. FIELDS

Excellence Friendship Future Present Reason Remember
A man without a woman is like a neck without a pain.
W. C. FIELDS

Man Pain Woman
Reality is an illusion that occurs due to the lack of alcohol.
W. C. FIELDS

Alcohol Illusion Reality
Some people are born losers; others acquire the knack gradually.
W. C. FIELDS

Born Lose People

Some things are better than sex, and some are worse, but there’s nothing exactly like it.

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Some things are better than sex, and some are worse, but there’s nothing exactly like it.

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