It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.
W. C. FIELDSWas I in here last night and did I spend a $20 bill? Oh, thank goodness… I thought I’d lost it.
More W. C. Fields Quotes
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I never voted for anybody. I always voted against.
W. C. FIELDS -
There’s no such thing as a tough child – if you parboil them first for seven hours, they always come out tender.
W. C. FIELDS -
Never try to impress a woman, because if you do she’ll expect you to keep up the standard for the rest of your life.
W. C. FIELDS -
I used to be indecisive, now I’m not so sure.
W. C. FIELDS -
It’s a funny old world. A man’s lucky if he gets out of it alive.
W. C. FIELDS -
If it is a joint return, we are instructed to print the given names of both husband and wife. But since some of the names that husband and wife give each other are hardly suited to print, we must proceed cautiously.
W. C. FIELDS -
I have spent a lot of time searching through the Bible for loopholes.
W. C. FIELDS -
Wouldn’t it be terrible if I quoted some reliable statistics which prove that more people are driven insane through religious hysteria than by drinking alcohol.
W. C. FIELDS -
I spent half my money on gambling, alcohol and wild women. The other half I wasted.
W. C. FIELDS -
Christmas at my house is always at least six or seven times more pleasant than anywhere else. We start drinking early. And while everyone else is seeing only one Santa Claus, we’ll be seeing six or seven.
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If pigs had wings, they would be pigeons.
W. C. FIELDS -
Sleep! The most beautiful experience in life. Except drink.
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Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There’s nothing like having a midget for a butler.
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You can fool some of the people some of the time and that’s enough to make a decent living.
W. C. FIELDS -
The nation needs to return to the colonial way of life, when a wife was judged by the amount of wood she could split.
W. C. FIELDS