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Was I in here last night and did I spend a $20 bill? Oh, thank goodness… I thought I’d lost it.

W. C. Fields

Never try to impress a woman, because if you do she’ll expect you to keep up the standard for the rest of your life.
W. C. FIELDS

Expectation Herself Life Man Woman Yourself
It is well to remember that there are five reasons for drinking: the arrival of a friend, one’s present or future thirst, the excellence of the cognac, or any other reason.
W. C. FIELDS

Excellence Friendship Future Present Reason Remember
I personally stay away from natural foods. At my age I need all the preservatives I can get.
W. C. FIELDS

Age Food Myself Need
I like children. If they’re properly cooked.
W. C. FIELDS

Children Food Myself
I never smoked a cigar in my life until I was nine.
W. C. FIELDS

Life Myself Young
Somebody’s been putting pineapple juice in my pineapple juice!
W. C. FIELDS

Food Funny
Some things are better than sex, and some are worse, but there’s nothing exactly like it.
W. C. FIELDS

Better Sex Worst
If pigs had wings, they would be pigeons.
W. C. FIELDS

Animal Funny Wings
Marry an outdoors woman. Then if you throw her out into the yard on a cold night, she can still survive.
W. C. FIELDS

Marriage Night Survive Woman
If you can’t dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bull.
W. C. FIELDS

Choice Inspirational Yourself
I am an expert of electricity. My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at the state prison.
W. C. FIELDS

Father Myself Prison
I must have a drink of breakfast.
W. C. FIELDS

Food Morning Myself
A thing worth having is a thing worth cheating for.
W. C. FIELDS

Worth Wrong
Christmas at my house is always at least six or seven times more pleasant than anywhere else. We start drinking early. And while everyone else is seeing only one Santa Claus, we’ll be seeing six or seven.
W. C. FIELDS

Funny Home Start Time
I only drink to steady my nerves, sometimes I’m so steady I don’t move for months.
W. C. FIELDS

Alcohol Myself
I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.
W. C. FIELDS

Food Myself Wine

Was I in here last night and did I spend a $20 bill? Oh, thank goodness… I thought I’d lost it.

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Was I in here last night and did I spend a $20 bill? Oh, thank goodness… I thought I’d lost it.

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