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Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There’s nothing like having a midget for a butler.

W. C. Fields

A woman drove me to drink and I didn’t even have the decency to thank her.
W. C. FIELDS

Herself Thankful Woman
Some weasel took the cork out of my lunch.
W. C. FIELDS

Animal Food
I never voted for anybody. I always voted against.
W. C. FIELDS

Myself Vote
I don’t believe in dining on an empty stomach.
W. C. FIELDS

Believe Empty Food Myself Weird
I drink therefore I am.
W. C. FIELDS

Instagram Captions Myself One Liner
I always keep a supply of stimulant handy in case I see a snake, which I also keep handy.
W. C. FIELDS

Animal Hands Myself See
I spent half my money on gambling, alcohol and wild women. The other half I wasted.
W. C. FIELDS

Alcohol Money Myself Wild Woman
During one of my treks through Afghanistan, we lost our corkscrew. We were compelled to live on food and water for several days.
W. C. FIELDS

Food Live Lost Struggle Travel
If it is a joint return, we are instructed to print the given names of both husband and wife. But since some of the names that husband and wife give each other are hardly suited to print, we must proceed cautiously.
W. C. FIELDS

Care Husband Wife
Now don’t say you can’t swear off drinking; it’s easy. I’ve done it a thousand times.
W. C. FIELDS

Easy Time Yourself
Some people are born losers; others acquire the knack gradually.
W. C. FIELDS

Born Lose People
Marry an outdoors woman. Then if you throw her out into the yard on a cold night, she can still survive.
W. C. FIELDS

Marriage Night Survive Woman
The clever cat eats cheese and breathes down rat holes with baited breath.
W. C. FIELDS

Animal Breathe
Christmas at my house is always at least six or seven times more pleasant than anywhere else. We start drinking early. And while everyone else is seeing only one Santa Claus, we’ll be seeing six or seven.
W. C. FIELDS

Funny Home Start Time
I don’t have to attend every argument I’m invited to.
W. C. FIELDS

Argument Attitude Myself
A thing worth having is a thing worth cheating for.
W. C. FIELDS

Worth Wrong

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There’s nothing like having a midget for a butler.

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Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There’s nothing like having a midget for a butler.

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