You can’t cheat an honest man.
W. C. FIELDSBeer: Helping ugly people have sex since 3000 B. C.
More W. C. Fields Quotes
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Children should neither be seen or heard from – ever again.
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When life hands you lemons, make whisky sours.
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I didn’t squawk about the steak, dear. I merely said I didn’t see that old horse that used to be tethered outside here.
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I never voted for anybody. I always voted against.
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Wouldn’t it be terrible if I quoted some reliable statistics which prove that more people are driven insane through religious hysteria than by drinking alcohol.
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I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.
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Alcoholic: anybody who drinks more than I do.
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Christmas at my house is always at least six or seven times more pleasant than anywhere else. We start drinking early. And while everyone else is seeing only one Santa Claus, we’ll be seeing six or seven.
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I spent half my money on gambling, alcohol and wild women. The other half I wasted.
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Sleep! The most beautiful experience in life. Except drink.
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When you wake up in the morning, smile – and get it over with.
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Somebody’s been putting pineapple juice in my pineapple juice!
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Anyone who hates children and animals can’t be all bad.
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The world is getting to be such a dangerous place, a man is lucky to get out of it alive.
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I personally stay away from natural foods. At my age I need all the preservatives I can get.
W. C. FIELDS