When doctors and undertakers meet, they wink at each other.
W. C. FIELDSI didn’t squawk about the steak, dear. I merely said I didn’t see that old horse that used to be tethered outside here.
More W. C. Fields Quotes
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It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.
W. C. FIELDS -
I don’t have to attend every argument I’m invited to.
W. C. FIELDS -
I have been advised by the best medical authority, at my age, not to attempt to give up alcohol.
W. C. FIELDS -
Wouldn’t it be terrible if I quoted some reliable statistics which prove that more people are driven insane through religious hysteria than by drinking alcohol.
W. C. FIELDS -
Money will not buy happiness, but it will let you be unhappy in nice places.
W. C. FIELDS -
Was I in here last night and did I spend a $20 bill? Oh, thank goodness… I thought I’d lost it.
W. C. FIELDS -
During one of my treks through Afghanistan, we lost our corkscrew. We were compelled to live on food and water for several days.
W. C. FIELDS -
I don’t believe in dining on an empty stomach.
W. C. FIELDS -
I’m looking for loopholes. (Said when caught reading the Bible.
W. C. FIELDS -
Few things in life are more embarrassing than the necessity of having to inform an old friend that you have just got engaged to his fiancee.
W. C. FIELDS -
If it is a joint return, we are instructed to print the given names of both husband and wife. But since some of the names that husband and wife give each other are hardly suited to print, we must proceed cautiously.
W. C. FIELDS -
If I had to live my life over, I’d live over a saloon.
W. C. FIELDS -
I must have a drink of breakfast.
W. C. FIELDS -
Comedy is a serious business. A serious business with only one purpose -to make people laugh.
W. C. FIELDS -
This job will drive me to drink, and for that reason, I will be eternally grateful.
W. C. FIELDS