The nation needs to return to the colonial way of life, when a wife was judged by the amount of wood she could split.
W. C. FIELDSI didn’t squawk about the steak, dear. I merely said I didn’t see that old horse that used to be tethered outside here.
More W. C. Fields Quotes
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Sleep! The most beautiful experience in life. Except drink.
W. C. FIELDS -
During one of my treks through Afghanistan, we lost our corkscrew. We were compelled to live on food and water for several days.
W. C. FIELDS -
Some things are better than sex, and some are worse, but there’s nothing exactly like it.
W. C. FIELDS -
Alcoholic: anybody who drinks more than I do.
W. C. FIELDS -
Comedy is merely tragedy happening to someone else.
W. C. FIELDS -
It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.
W. C. FIELDS -
Somebody’s been putting pineapple juice in my pineapple juice!
W. C. FIELDS -
A woman drove me to drink and I didn’t even have the decency to thank her.
W. C. FIELDS -
Don’t worry about your heart, it will last you as long as you live.
W. C. FIELDS -
My main ambition as a gardener is to water my orange trees with gin, then all I have to do is squeeze the juice into a glass.
W. C. FIELDS -
You can’t trust water: Even a straight stick turns crooked in it.
W. C. FIELDS -
Everybody’s got to believe in something. I believe I’ll have another beer.
W. C. FIELDS -
I spent half my money on gambling, alcohol and wild women. The other half I wasted.
W. C. FIELDS -
The clever cat eats cheese and breathes down rat holes with baited breath.
W. C. FIELDS -
I exercise strong self control. I never drink anything stronger than gin before breakfast.
W. C. FIELDS