If I had to live my life over, I’d live over a saloon.
W. C. FIELDSIt ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.
More W. C. Fields Quotes
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If it is a joint return, we are instructed to print the given names of both husband and wife. But since some of the names that husband and wife give each other are hardly suited to print, we must proceed cautiously.
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I personally stay away from natural foods. At my age I need all the preservatives I can get.
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Some weasel took the cork out of my lunch.
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I spent half my money on gambling, alcohol and wild women. The other half I wasted.
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A man without a woman is like a neck without a pain.
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Few things in life are more embarrassing than the necessity of having to inform an old friend that you have just got engaged to his fiancee.
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It’s a funny old world. A man’s lucky if he gets out of it alive.
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It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.
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I was in love with a beautiful blonde once. She drove me to drink. That’s the one thing I’m indebted to her for.
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The world is getting to be such a dangerous place, a man is lucky to get out of it alive.
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I am an expert of electricity. My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at the state prison.
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Attitude is more important than the past, than education, than money, than circumstances, than what people do or say. It is more important than appearance, giftedness, or skill.
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I have spent a lot of time searching through the Bible for loopholes.
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Reality is an illusion that occurs due to the lack of alcohol.
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I always keep a supply of stimulant handy in case I see a snake, which I also keep handy.
W. C. FIELDS