black
grey
blue
red
brown
white

It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.

W. C. Fields

Never give a sucker an even break.
W. C. FIELDS

Break One Liner
Some things are better than sex, and some are worse, but there’s nothing exactly like it.
W. C. FIELDS

Better Sex Worst
I personally stay away from natural foods. At my age I need all the preservatives I can get.
W. C. FIELDS

Age Food Myself Need
I never voted for anybody. I always voted against.
W. C. FIELDS

Myself Vote
The world is getting to be such a dangerous place, a man is lucky to get out of it alive.
W. C. FIELDS

Alive Danger Man Place World
I’m looking for loopholes. (Said when caught reading the Bible.
W. C. FIELDS

Myself Religious
The only thing a lawyer won’t question is the legitimacy of his mother.
W. C. FIELDS

Himself Mom
I must have a drink of breakfast.
W. C. FIELDS

Food Morning Myself
If it does not work the first time, try, try again. Then quit. No need to be an idiot.
W. C. FIELDS

Need Quit Stupidity Time
Alcoholic: anybody who drinks more than I do.
W. C. FIELDS

Alcohol Myself
Wouldn’t it be terrible if I quoted some reliable statistics which prove that more people are driven insane through religious hysteria than by drinking alcohol.
W. C. FIELDS

Alcohol Myself People Religious Sanity
Beer: Helping ugly people have sex since 3000 B. C.
W. C. FIELDS

Appearance Help People Sex Ugly
Marry an outdoors woman. Then if you throw her out into the yard on a cold night, she can still survive.
W. C. FIELDS

Marriage Night Survive Woman
I was in love with a beautiful blonde once. She drove me to drink. That’s the one thing I’m indebted to her for.
W. C. FIELDS

Beautiful Herself Love Myself
There’s no such thing as a tough child – if you parboil them first for seven hours, they always come out tender.
W. C. FIELDS

Children Parents Tough
I never met a kid I liked.
W. C. FIELDS

Children Myself One Liner

It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.

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It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.

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