Just like my Uncle Charlie used to say, just before he sprung the trap: He said, You can’t cheat and honest man! Never give a sucker an even break or smarten up a chump!
W. C. FIELDSThe nation needs to return to the colonial way of life, when a wife was judged by the amount of wood she could split.
More W. C. Fields Quotes
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When doctors and undertakers meet, they wink at each other.
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A woman drove me to drink and I didn’t even have the decency to thank her.
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Don’t worry about your heart, it will last you as long as you live.
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If pigs had wings, they would be pigeons.
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No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it’s only a question of degree.
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When life hands you lemons, make whisky sours.
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When we have lost everything, including hope, life becomes a disgrace, and death a duty.
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Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There’s nothing like having a midget for a butler.
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It’s a funny old world. A man’s lucky if he gets out of it alive.
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Some weasel took the cork out of my lunch.
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The world is getting to be such a dangerous place, a man is lucky to get out of it alive.
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If it does not work the first time, try, try again. Then quit. No need to be an idiot.
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This job will drive me to drink, and for that reason, I will be eternally grateful.
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Beer: Helping ugly people have sex since 3000 B. C.
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I don’t drink anymore, on the other hand I don’t drink any less either.
W. C. FIELDS