I never drink water. I’m afraid it will become habit-forming.
W. C. FIELDSIt’s a funny old world. A man’s lucky if he gets out of it alive.
More W. C. Fields Quotes
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I’m looking for loopholes. (Said when caught reading the Bible.
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Prayers never bring anything, They may bring solace to the sap, the bigot, the ignorant, the aboriginal, and the lazy – but to the enlightened it is the same as asking Santa Claus to bring you something for Xmas.
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I like children. If they’re properly cooked.
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Just like my Uncle Charlie used to say, just before he sprung the trap: He said, You can’t cheat and honest man! Never give a sucker an even break or smarten up a chump!
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Take me down to the bar! We’ll drink breakfast together!
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The clever cat eats cheese and breathes down rat holes with baited breath.
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Comedy is merely tragedy happening to someone else.
W. C. FIELDS -
Some weasel took the cork out of my lunch.
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I drink with impunity, or anyone else who invites me.
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I don’t have to attend every argument I’m invited to.
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There comes a time in the affairs of man when he must take the bull by the tail and face the situation.
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If pigs had wings, they would be pigeons.
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I always keep a supply of stimulant handy in case I see a snake, which I also keep handy.
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It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.
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If I had to live my life over, I’d live over a saloon.
W. C. FIELDS