Trust everybody, but cut the cards yourself.
W. C. FIELDSIt’s a funny old world. A man’s lucky if he gets out of it alive.
More W. C. Fields Quotes
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I only drink to steady my nerves, sometimes I’m so steady I don’t move for months.
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Beer: Helping ugly people have sex since 3000 B. C.
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You can fool some of the people some of the time and that’s enough to make a decent living.
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I have been advised by the best medical authority, at my age, not to attempt to give up alcohol.
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If it is a joint return, we are instructed to print the given names of both husband and wife. But since some of the names that husband and wife give each other are hardly suited to print, we must proceed cautiously.
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Alcoholic: anybody who drinks more than I do.
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Sex isn’t necessary. You don’t die without it, but you can die having it.
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I don’t believe in dining on an empty stomach.
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I have spent a lot of time searching through the Bible for loopholes.
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It is well to remember that there are five reasons for drinking: the arrival of a friend, one’s present or future thirst, the excellence of the cognac, or any other reason.
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There’s no such thing as a tough child – if you parboil them first for seven hours, they always come out tender.
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If pigs had wings, they would be pigeons.
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I spent half my money on gambling, alcohol and wild women. The other half I wasted.
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The nation needs to return to the colonial way of life, when a wife was judged by the amount of wood she could split.
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It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.
W. C. FIELDS