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It’s a funny old world. A man’s lucky if he gets out of it alive.

W. C. Fields

Marry an outdoors woman. Then if you throw her out into the yard on a cold night, she can still survive.
W. C. FIELDS

Marriage Night Survive Woman
Never try to impress a woman, because if you do she’ll expect you to keep up the standard for the rest of your life.
W. C. FIELDS

Expectation Herself Life Man Woman Yourself
I’m free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.
W. C. FIELDS

Equality Freedom Hate Myself
Christmas at my house is always at least six or seven times more pleasant than anywhere else. We start drinking early. And while everyone else is seeing only one Santa Claus, we’ll be seeing six or seven.
W. C. FIELDS

Funny Home Start Time
The laziest man I ever met put popcorn in his pancakes so they would turn over by themselves.
W. C. FIELDS

Food Funny Man Myself
I never smoked a cigar in my life until I was nine.
W. C. FIELDS

Life Myself Young
Don’t worry about your heart, it will last you as long as you live.
W. C. FIELDS

Heart Live Worry Yourself
Some weasel took the cork out of my lunch.
W. C. FIELDS

Animal Food
I used to be indecisive, now I’m not so sure.
W. C. FIELDS

Improvement Myself
Try till you succeed, if you don’t succeed once, then destroy all evidence of the fact that you tried!
W. C. FIELDS

Destroy Evidence Success Yourself
Was I in here last night and did I spend a $20 bill? Oh, thank goodness… I thought I’d lost it.
W. C. FIELDS

Goodness Lost Myself Night Thankful
Drat! Being the encapsulated view of life.
W. C. FIELDS

Life View
Anyone who hates children and animals can’t be all bad.
W. C. FIELDS

Animal Bad Children Hate
My main ambition as a gardener is to water my orange trees with gin, then all I have to do is squeeze the juice into a glass.
W. C. FIELDS

Ambitious Myself Tree
I don’t drink anymore, on the other hand I don’t drink any less either.
W. C. FIELDS

Alcohol Myself
I never eat before breakfast.
W. C. FIELDS

Eat Myself One Liner

It’s a funny old world. A man’s lucky if he gets out of it alive.

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It’s a funny old world. A man’s lucky if he gets out of it alive.

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