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Now don’t say you can’t swear off drinking; it’s easy. I’ve done it a thousand times.

W. C. Fields

Never try to impress a woman, because if you do she’ll expect you to keep up the standard for the rest of your life.
W. C. FIELDS

Expectation Herself Life Man Woman Yourself
If pigs had wings, they would be pigeons.
W. C. FIELDS

Animal Funny Wings
I didn’t squawk about the steak, dear. I merely said I didn’t see that old horse that used to be tethered outside here.
W. C. FIELDS

Animal Food Myself See
Somebody’s been putting pineapple juice in my pineapple juice!
W. C. FIELDS

Food Funny
I certainly do not drink all the time. I have to sleep you know.
W. C. FIELDS

Funny Myself Time
I used to be indecisive, now I’m not so sure.
W. C. FIELDS

Improvement Myself
If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There’s no point in being a damn fool about it.
W. C. FIELDS

Fools Inspirational Quit Success Yourself
The clever cat eats cheese and breathes down rat holes with baited breath.
W. C. FIELDS

Animal Breathe
Attitude is more important than the past, than education, than money, than circumstances, than what people do or say. It is more important than appearance, giftedness, or skill.
W. C. FIELDS

Appearance Attitude Education Important Money Past People Skill
You can’t trust water: Even a straight stick turns crooked in it.
W. C. FIELDS

Belief Trust Yourself
The only thing a lawyer won’t question is the legitimacy of his mother.
W. C. FIELDS

Himself Mom
Never give a sucker an even break.
W. C. FIELDS

Break One Liner
A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money.
W. C. FIELDS

Man Money Poor Rich
I’m free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.
W. C. FIELDS

Equality Freedom Hate Myself
I have been advised by the best medical authority, at my age, not to attempt to give up alcohol.
W. C. FIELDS

Advice Age Alcohol Authority Give Up Myself
Sex isn’t necessary. You don’t die without it, but you can die having it.
W. C. FIELDS

Death Necessary Sex Yourself

Now don’t say you can’t swear off drinking; it’s easy. I’ve done it a thousand times.

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Now don’t say you can’t swear off drinking; it’s easy. I’ve done it a thousand times.

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