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Now don’t say you can’t swear off drinking; it’s easy. I’ve done it a thousand times.

W. C. Fields

Never try to impress a woman, because if you do she’ll expect you to keep up the standard for the rest of your life.
W. C. FIELDS

Expectation Herself Life Man Woman Yourself
If it is a joint return, we are instructed to print the given names of both husband and wife. But since some of the names that husband and wife give each other are hardly suited to print, we must proceed cautiously.
W. C. FIELDS

Care Husband Wife
I used to be indecisive, now I’m not so sure.
W. C. FIELDS

Improvement Myself
When you wake up in the morning, smile – and get it over with.
W. C. FIELDS

Morning Smile Wake Up Yourself
It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.
W. C. FIELDS

Attitude Deep Yourself
Now don’t say you can’t swear off drinking; it’s easy. I’ve done it a thousand times.
W. C. FIELDS

Easy Time Yourself
Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There’s nothing like having a midget for a butler.
W. C. FIELDS

Food Home
I have spent a lot of time searching through the Bible for loopholes.
W. C. FIELDS

Myself Religion Time
The clever cat eats cheese and breathes down rat holes with baited breath.
W. C. FIELDS

Animal Breathe
I exercise strong self control. I never drink anything stronger than gin before breakfast.
W. C. FIELDS

Control Food Myself Strong
The laziest man I ever met put popcorn in his pancakes so they would turn over by themselves.
W. C. FIELDS

Food Funny Man Myself
I never voted for anybody. I always voted against.
W. C. FIELDS

Myself Vote
Trust everybody, but cut the cards yourself.
W. C. FIELDS

Trust Yourself
Christmas at my house is always at least six or seven times more pleasant than anywhere else. We start drinking early. And while everyone else is seeing only one Santa Claus, we’ll be seeing six or seven.
W. C. FIELDS

Funny Home Start Time
Everybody’s got to believe in something. I believe I’ll have another beer.
W. C. FIELDS

Alcohol Believe
Comedy is a serious business. A serious business with only one purpose -to make people laugh.
W. C. FIELDS

Business Laugh Oneself People Purpose Serious

Now don’t say you can’t swear off drinking; it’s easy. I’ve done it a thousand times.

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Now don’t say you can’t swear off drinking; it’s easy. I’ve done it a thousand times.

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