I’m looking for loopholes. (Said when caught reading the Bible.
W. C. FIELDSIf it does not work the first time, try, try again. Then quit. No need to be an idiot.
More W. C. Fields Quotes
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I must have a drink of breakfast.
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If it does not work the first time, try, try again. Then quit. No need to be an idiot.
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Don’t worry about your heart, it will last you as long as you live.
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I like children. If they’re properly cooked.
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Anyone who hates children and animals can’t be all bad.
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Everybody’s got to believe in something. I believe I’ll have another beer.
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Marry an outdoors woman. Then if you throw her out into the yard on a cold night, she can still survive.
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Prayers never bring anything, They may bring solace to the sap, the bigot, the ignorant, the aboriginal, and the lazy – but to the enlightened it is the same as asking Santa Claus to bring you something for Xmas.
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Beer: Helping ugly people have sex since 3000 B. C.
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If it is a joint return, we are instructed to print the given names of both husband and wife. But since some of the names that husband and wife give each other are hardly suited to print, we must proceed cautiously.
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Trust everybody, but cut the cards yourself.
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The clever cat eats cheese and breathes down rat holes with baited breath.
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I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.
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A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money.
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I was in love with a beautiful blonde once. She drove me to drink. That’s the one thing I’m indebted to her for.
W. C. FIELDS