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If I had to live my life over, I’d live over a saloon.

W. C. Fields

Now don’t say you can’t swear off drinking; it’s easy. I’ve done it a thousand times.
W. C. FIELDS

Easy Time Yourself
Somebody’s been putting pineapple juice in my pineapple juice!
W. C. FIELDS

Food Funny
I must have a drink of breakfast.
W. C. FIELDS

Food Morning Myself
I certainly do not drink all the time. I have to sleep you know.
W. C. FIELDS

Funny Myself Time
Don’t worry about your heart, it will last you as long as you live.
W. C. FIELDS

Heart Live Worry Yourself
Attitude is more important than the past, than education, than money, than circumstances, than what people do or say. It is more important than appearance, giftedness, or skill.
W. C. FIELDS

Appearance Attitude Education Important Money Past People Skill
Few things in life are more embarrassing than the necessity of having to inform an old friend that you have just got engaged to his fiancee.
W. C. FIELDS

Friendship Life Marriage Necessary Old Relationship
Marry an outdoors woman. Then if you throw her out into the yard on a cold night, she can still survive.
W. C. FIELDS

Marriage Night Survive Woman
When doctors and undertakers meet, they wink at each other.
W. C. FIELDS

Doctor Togetherness
I don’t drink water. Have you seen the way it rusts pipes?
W. C. FIELDS

Destroy Myself See
My main ambition as a gardener is to water my orange trees with gin, then all I have to do is squeeze the juice into a glass.
W. C. FIELDS

Ambitious Myself Tree
I never smoked a cigar in my life until I was nine.
W. C. FIELDS

Life Myself Young
I am an expert of electricity. My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at the state prison.
W. C. FIELDS

Father Myself Prison
I don’t have to attend every argument I’m invited to.
W. C. FIELDS

Argument Attitude Myself
Sex isn’t necessary. You don’t die without it, but you can die having it.
W. C. FIELDS

Death Necessary Sex Yourself
The only thing a lawyer won’t question is the legitimacy of his mother.
W. C. FIELDS

Himself Mom

If I had to live my life over, I’d live over a saloon.

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If I had to live my life over, I’d live over a saloon.

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