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If I had to live my life over, I’d live over a saloon.

W. C. Fields

I’m free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.
W. C. FIELDS

Equality Freedom Hate Myself
I never smoked a cigar in my life until I was nine.
W. C. FIELDS

Life Myself Young
I didn’t squawk about the steak, dear. I merely said I didn’t see that old horse that used to be tethered outside here.
W. C. FIELDS

Animal Food Myself See
No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it’s only a question of degree.
W. C. FIELDS

Crazy Doubt Existence Woman
When doctors and undertakers meet, they wink at each other.
W. C. FIELDS

Doctor Togetherness
The only thing a lawyer won’t question is the legitimacy of his mother.
W. C. FIELDS

Himself Mom
I spent half my money on gambling, alcohol and wild women. The other half I wasted.
W. C. FIELDS

Alcohol Money Myself Wild Woman
I only drink to steady my nerves, sometimes I’m so steady I don’t move for months.
W. C. FIELDS

Alcohol Myself
Some weasel took the cork out of my lunch.
W. C. FIELDS

Animal Food
I’m looking for loopholes. (Said when caught reading the Bible.
W. C. FIELDS

Myself Religious
A woman drove me to drink and I didn’t even have the decency to thank her.
W. C. FIELDS

Herself Thankful Woman
Some people are born losers; others acquire the knack gradually.
W. C. FIELDS

Born Lose People
Reality is an illusion that occurs due to the lack of alcohol.
W. C. FIELDS

Alcohol Illusion Reality
During one of my treks through Afghanistan, we lost our corkscrew. We were compelled to live on food and water for several days.
W. C. FIELDS

Food Live Lost Struggle Travel
I drink with impunity, or anyone else who invites me.
W. C. FIELDS

Company Myself
Yes I do like children, Girl children, about eighteen or twenty.
W. C. FIELDS

Children Myself Woman

If I had to live my life over, I’d live over a saloon.

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If I had to live my life over, I’d live over a saloon.

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