A thing worth having is a thing worth cheating for.
W. C. FIELDSThe only thing a lawyer won’t question is the legitimacy of his mother.
More W. C. Fields Quotes
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Try till you succeed, if you don’t succeed once, then destroy all evidence of the fact that you tried!
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I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
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I never smoked a cigar in my life until I was nine.
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If it is a joint return, we are instructed to print the given names of both husband and wife. But since some of the names that husband and wife give each other are hardly suited to print, we must proceed cautiously.
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The only thing a lawyer won’t question is the legitimacy of his mother.
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If it does not work the first time, try, try again. Then quit. No need to be an idiot.
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Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.
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You can’t trust water: Even a straight stick turns crooked in it.
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Just like my Uncle Charlie used to say, just before he sprung the trap: He said, You can’t cheat and honest man! Never give a sucker an even break or smarten up a chump!
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Drat! Being the encapsulated view of life.
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I never drink water. I’m afraid it will become habit-forming.
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There’s no such thing as a tough child – if you parboil them first for seven hours, they always come out tender.
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Attitude is more important than the past, than education, than money, than circumstances, than what people do or say. It is more important than appearance, giftedness, or skill.
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Christmas at my house is always at least six or seven times more pleasant than anywhere else. We start drinking early. And while everyone else is seeing only one Santa Claus, we’ll be seeing six or seven.
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I must have a drink of breakfast.
W. C. FIELDS