If pigs had wings, they would be pigeons.
W. C. FIELDSThe only thing a lawyer won’t question is the legitimacy of his mother.
More W. C. Fields Quotes
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I exercise strong self control. I never drink anything stronger than gin before breakfast.
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Just like my Uncle Charlie used to say, just before he sprung the trap: He said, You can’t cheat and honest man! Never give a sucker an even break or smarten up a chump!
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It is well to remember that there are five reasons for drinking: the arrival of a friend, one’s present or future thirst, the excellence of the cognac, or any other reason.
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Now don’t say you can’t swear off drinking; it’s easy. I’ve done it a thousand times.
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It’s a funny old world. A man’s lucky if he gets out of it alive.
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You can’t cheat an honest man.
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The world is getting to be such a dangerous place, a man is lucky to get out of it alive.
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A man without a woman is like a neck without a pain.
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I was in love with a beautiful blonde once. She drove me to drink. That’s the one thing I’m indebted to her for.
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Yes I do like children, Girl children, about eighteen or twenty.
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Reality is an illusion that occurs due to the lack of alcohol.
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If I had to live my life over, I’d live over a saloon.
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Trust everybody, but cut the cards yourself.
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Marry an outdoors woman. Then if you throw her out into the yard on a cold night, she can still survive.
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I don’t drink anymore, on the other hand I don’t drink any less either.
W. C. FIELDS






