I like children. If they’re properly cooked.
W. C. FIELDSThe only thing a lawyer won’t question is the legitimacy of his mother.
More W. C. Fields Quotes
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A man without a woman is like a neck without a pain.
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I drink with impunity, or anyone else who invites me.
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I don’t drink water. Have you seen the way it rusts pipes?
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Attitude is more important than the past, than education, than money, than circumstances, than what people do or say. It is more important than appearance, giftedness, or skill.
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Some people are born losers; others acquire the knack gradually.
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I only drink to steady my nerves, sometimes I’m so steady I don’t move for months.
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If you can’t dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bull.
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I never met a kid I liked.
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If I had to live my life over, I’d live over a saloon.
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I exercise strong self control. I never drink anything stronger than gin before breakfast.
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Trust everybody, but cut the cards yourself.
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I don’t drink anymore, on the other hand I don’t drink any less either.
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If it is a joint return, we are instructed to print the given names of both husband and wife. But since some of the names that husband and wife give each other are hardly suited to print, we must proceed cautiously.
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I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.
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Somebody’s been putting pineapple juice in my pineapple juice!
W. C. FIELDS