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The only thing a lawyer won’t question is the legitimacy of his mother.

W. C. Fields

I never drink water. I’m afraid it will become habit-forming.
W. C. FIELDS

Habit Mad Myself Weird
Don’t worry about your heart, it will last you as long as you live.
W. C. FIELDS

Heart Live Worry Yourself
I don’t drink anymore, on the other hand I don’t drink any less either.
W. C. FIELDS

Alcohol Myself
If pigs had wings, they would be pigeons.
W. C. FIELDS

Animal Funny Wings
It’s a funny old world. A man’s lucky if he gets out of it alive.
W. C. FIELDS

Alive Funny Old World
I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
W. C. FIELDS

Animal Myself Perspective Sea
I am an expert of electricity. My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at the state prison.
W. C. FIELDS

Father Myself Prison
I’m looking for loopholes. (Said when caught reading the Bible.
W. C. FIELDS

Myself Religious
Sex isn’t necessary. You don’t die without it, but you can die having it.
W. C. FIELDS

Death Necessary Sex Yourself
I drink with impunity, or anyone else who invites me.
W. C. FIELDS

Company Myself
Trust everybody, but cut the cards yourself.
W. C. FIELDS

Trust Yourself
Some weasel took the cork out of my lunch.
W. C. FIELDS

Animal Food
My main ambition as a gardener is to water my orange trees with gin, then all I have to do is squeeze the juice into a glass.
W. C. FIELDS

Ambitious Myself Tree
Try till you succeed, if you don’t succeed once, then destroy all evidence of the fact that you tried!
W. C. FIELDS

Destroy Evidence Success Yourself
I never met a kid I liked.
W. C. FIELDS

Children Myself One Liner
Somebody’s been putting pineapple juice in my pineapple juice!
W. C. FIELDS

Food Funny

The only thing a lawyer won’t question is the legitimacy of his mother.

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The only thing a lawyer won’t question is the legitimacy of his mother.

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