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You can’t trust water: Even a straight stick turns crooked in it.

W. C. Fields

Children should neither be seen or heard from – ever again.
W. C. FIELDS

Children Hate See
I always keep a supply of stimulant handy in case I see a snake, which I also keep handy.
W. C. FIELDS

Animal Hands Myself See
Some people are born losers; others acquire the knack gradually.
W. C. FIELDS

Born Lose People
The clever cat eats cheese and breathes down rat holes with baited breath.
W. C. FIELDS

Animal Breathe
Never give a sucker an even break.
W. C. FIELDS

Break One Liner
Try till you succeed, if you don’t succeed once, then destroy all evidence of the fact that you tried!
W. C. FIELDS

Destroy Evidence Success Yourself
Just like my Uncle Charlie used to say, just before he sprung the trap: He said, You can’t cheat and honest man! Never give a sucker an even break or smarten up a chump!
W. C. FIELDS

Break Himself Honesty Man Myself Smart Yourself
I used to be indecisive, now I’m not so sure.
W. C. FIELDS

Improvement Myself
During one of my treks through Afghanistan, we lost our corkscrew. We were compelled to live on food and water for several days.
W. C. FIELDS

Food Live Lost Struggle Travel
Anyone who hates children and animals can’t be all bad.
W. C. FIELDS

Animal Bad Children Hate
I never met a kid I liked.
W. C. FIELDS

Children Myself One Liner
Philadelphia, wonderful town, spent a week there one night.
W. C. FIELDS

Night Time Wonderful
Few things in life are more embarrassing than the necessity of having to inform an old friend that you have just got engaged to his fiancee.
W. C. FIELDS

Friendship Life Marriage Necessary Old Relationship
I’m looking for loopholes. (Said when caught reading the Bible.
W. C. FIELDS

Myself Religious
When doctors and undertakers meet, they wink at each other.
W. C. FIELDS

Doctor Togetherness
I drink therefore I am.
W. C. FIELDS

Instagram Captions Myself One Liner

You can’t trust water: Even a straight stick turns crooked in it.

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You can’t trust water: Even a straight stick turns crooked in it.

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