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You can’t trust water: Even a straight stick turns crooked in it.

W. C. Fields

My illness is due to my doctor’s insistence that I drink milk, a whitish fluid they force down helpless babies.
W. C. FIELDS

Doctor Force Myself
Wouldn’t it be terrible if I quoted some reliable statistics which prove that more people are driven insane through religious hysteria than by drinking alcohol.
W. C. FIELDS

Alcohol Myself People Religious Sanity
There’s no such thing as a tough child – if you parboil them first for seven hours, they always come out tender.
W. C. FIELDS

Children Parents Tough
You can’t trust water: Even a straight stick turns crooked in it.
W. C. FIELDS

Belief Trust Yourself
A thing worth having is a thing worth cheating for.
W. C. FIELDS

Worth Wrong
Few things in life are more embarrassing than the necessity of having to inform an old friend that you have just got engaged to his fiancee.
W. C. FIELDS

Friendship Life Marriage Necessary Old Relationship
When doctors and undertakers meet, they wink at each other.
W. C. FIELDS

Doctor Togetherness
Christmas at my house is always at least six or seven times more pleasant than anywhere else. We start drinking early. And while everyone else is seeing only one Santa Claus, we’ll be seeing six or seven.
W. C. FIELDS

Funny Home Start Time
If pigs had wings, they would be pigeons.
W. C. FIELDS

Animal Funny Wings
Now don’t say you can’t swear off drinking; it’s easy. I’ve done it a thousand times.
W. C. FIELDS

Easy Time Yourself
I certainly do not drink all the time. I have to sleep you know.
W. C. FIELDS

Funny Myself Time
I never met a kid I liked.
W. C. FIELDS

Children Myself One Liner
Marry an outdoors woman. Then if you throw her out into the yard on a cold night, she can still survive.
W. C. FIELDS

Marriage Night Survive Woman
Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.
W. C. FIELDS

Morning Smile Start
Prayers never bring anything, They may bring solace to the sap, the bigot, the ignorant, the aboriginal, and the lazy – but to the enlightened it is the same as asking Santa Claus to bring you something for Xmas.
W. C. FIELDS

Gift Ignorance Peace Prayer Wisdom
When you wake up in the morning, smile – and get it over with.
W. C. FIELDS

Morning Smile Wake Up Yourself

You can’t trust water: Even a straight stick turns crooked in it.

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You can’t trust water: Even a straight stick turns crooked in it.

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