I don’t drink anymore, on the other hand I don’t drink any less either.
W. C. FIELDSI never met a kid I liked.
More W. C. Fields Quotes
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Just like my Uncle Charlie used to say, just before he sprung the trap: He said, You can’t cheat and honest man! Never give a sucker an even break or smarten up a chump!
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A thing worth having is a thing worth cheating for.
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A woman drove me to drink and I didn’t even have the decency to thank her.
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When doctors and undertakers meet, they wink at each other.
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I like children. If they’re properly cooked.
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Alcoholic: anybody who drinks more than I do.
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I exercise strong self control. I never drink anything stronger than gin before breakfast.
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If it is a joint return, we are instructed to print the given names of both husband and wife. But since some of the names that husband and wife give each other are hardly suited to print, we must proceed cautiously.
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If I had to live my life over, I’d live over a saloon.
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No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it’s only a question of degree.
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Yes I do like children, Girl children, about eighteen or twenty.
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Sleep! The most beautiful experience in life. Except drink.
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A man without a woman is like a neck without a pain.
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Anyone who hates children and animals can’t be all bad.
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The nation needs to return to the colonial way of life, when a wife was judged by the amount of wood she could split.
W. C. FIELDS