I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
W. C. FIELDSI never met a kid I liked.
More W. C. Fields Quotes
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Comedy is merely tragedy happening to someone else.
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I have been advised by the best medical authority, at my age, not to attempt to give up alcohol.
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The only thing a lawyer won’t question is the legitimacy of his mother.
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Reality is an illusion that occurs due to the lack of alcohol.
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I never drink water. I’m afraid it will become habit-forming.
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Take me down to the bar! We’ll drink breakfast together!
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I never voted for anybody. I always voted against.
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Beer: Helping ugly people have sex since 3000 B. C.
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When doctors and undertakers meet, they wink at each other.
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Sex isn’t necessary. You don’t die without it, but you can die having it.
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Comedy is a serious business. A serious business with only one purpose -to make people laugh.
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I never met a kid I liked.
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Just like my Uncle Charlie used to say, just before he sprung the trap: He said, You can’t cheat and honest man! Never give a sucker an even break or smarten up a chump!
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Attitude is more important than the past, than education, than money, than circumstances, than what people do or say. It is more important than appearance, giftedness, or skill.
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I’m looking for loopholes. (Said when caught reading the Bible.
W. C. FIELDS






