I’m a creative guy, artistically with graphics.
TIM ALLENI’m a creative guy, artistically with graphics.
TIM ALLENMy mom said the only reason men are alive is for lawn care and vehicle maintenance.
TIM ALLENWomen now have choices. They can be married, not married, have a job, not have a job, be married with children, unmarried with children. Men have the same choice we’ve always had: work, or prison.
TIM ALLENReal men don’t use instructions, son. Besides, this is just the manufacturer’s opinion on how to put this together.
TIM ALLENThey say you only go around once, but with a muscle car you can go around two or three times.
TIM ALLENIn my experience, it’s all wonderful with girls until about 16. Around that time, boys kind of calm down and start focusing their testosterone. Girls get a little challenging, especially for fathers.
TIM ALLENAnytime you work with animals, you begin to see more humanity in them.
TIM ALLENWomen are like cars: we all want a Ferrari, sometimes want a pickup truck, and end up with a station wagon.
TIM ALLENI’m a very bad student, but a great learner.
TIM ALLENTo get a man’s attention, just stand in front of the TV and don’t move. He’ll talk to you. I promise.
TIM ALLENI’ve gotten so far past the Android and iPhones that I’m back to a flip-phone. It’s funny, you can buy antique flip-phones online. A lot of us collect them. Clearly, they’re considered antiques.
TIM ALLENMy dad’s death reminds me of earthquakes – things that shake your foundation.
TIM ALLENIn marriage, compromise nurtures the relationship.
TIM ALLENWhile awaiting sentencing, I decided to give stand-up comedy a shot. The judge had suggested I get my act together, and I took him seriously.
TIM ALLENIf you don’t decide where you’re going, life will decide for you.
TIM ALLENJill, we became parents so we could tell our kids what to do. Otherwise we’re just the tallest people living here.
TIM ALLEN