If it’s a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.
STEVEN WRIGHTThe early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
More Steven Wright Quotes
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Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.
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The other night I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars, and I wondered, ‘Where the hell is my roof?
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Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racing car not called a racist?
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Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.
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My nephew has HDADHD. High Definition Attention Deficit Disorder. He can barely pay attention, but when he does it’s unbelievably clear.
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Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
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For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier. I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.
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I think it’s wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.
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I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
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I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
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To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
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I went for a walk last night and she asked me how long I was going to be gone. I said, ‘The whole time.
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How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?
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Clones are people two.
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Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery’s dead?
STEVEN WRIGHT