Why don’t they just make mouse-flavored cat food?
STEVEN WRIGHTThe early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
More Steven Wright Quotes
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I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.
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When everything’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
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I think it’s wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.
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For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier. I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.
STEVEN WRIGHT -
If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren’t people from Holland called Holes?
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Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he’ll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.
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You know what scares me? When you have to be nice to some paranoid schizophrenic, just because she lives in your head.
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If it’s a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.
STEVEN WRIGHT -
Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
STEVEN WRIGHT -
Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery’s dead?
STEVEN WRIGHT -
Everyone has a photographic Memory, some just don’t have film.
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If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?
STEVEN WRIGHT -
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
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My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon’s appointments.
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All those who believe in psychokinesis – raise my hand.
STEVEN WRIGHT