Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.
STEVEN WRIGHTThe early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
More Steven Wright Quotes
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Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
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How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?
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For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier. I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.
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My nephew has HDADHD. High Definition Attention Deficit Disorder. He can barely pay attention, but when he does it’s unbelievably clear.
STEVEN WRIGHT -
I went for a walk last night and she asked me how long I was going to be gone. I said, ‘The whole time.
STEVEN WRIGHT -
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
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I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans.
STEVEN WRIGHT -
Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.
STEVEN WRIGHT -
The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
STEVEN WRIGHT -
Some friends of mine got me a sweater for my birthday. I’d have preferred a moaner or a screamer, but the sweater was OK.
STEVEN WRIGHT -
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
STEVEN WRIGHT -
I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
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I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
STEVEN WRIGHT -
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
STEVEN WRIGHT -
Everyone has a photographic Memory, some just don’t have film.
STEVEN WRIGHT