No one is listening until you make a mistake.
STEVEN WRIGHTThe early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
More Steven Wright Quotes
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If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
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If it’s a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.
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Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny?
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I went to a restaurant that serves ‘breakfast at any time’. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
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I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans.
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I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
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You know when you’re sitting on a chair and you lean back so you’re just on two legs and you lean too far so you almost fall over but at the last second you catch yourself? I feel like that all the time.
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Why doesn’t Tarzan have a beard? Why doesn’t glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
STEVEN WRIGHT -
Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.
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Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don’t they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the postmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?
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Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
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On the other hand, you have different fingers.
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Everyone has a photographic Memory, some just don’t have film.
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Why, in a country of free speech, are there phone bills?
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When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child… eventually.
STEVEN WRIGHT