Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
STEVEN WRIGHTSupport bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have.
More Steven Wright Quotes
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If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?
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Why isn’t the number 11 pronounced onety one?
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I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
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The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
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You know when you’re sitting on a chair and you lean back so you’re just on two legs and you lean too far so you almost fall over but at the last second you catch yourself? I feel like that all the time.
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My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon’s appointments.
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How come abbreviated is such a long word?
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You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
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If it’s a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.
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Why don’t they just make mouse-flavored cat food?
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Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring… ‘How to Build a Boat.’
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To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
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Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
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I installed a skylight in my apartment, the people who live above me are furious!
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Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
STEVEN WRIGHT