Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery’s dead?
STEVEN WRIGHTSupport bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have.
More Steven Wright Quotes
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Some friends of mine got me a sweater for my birthday. I’d have preferred a moaner or a screamer, but the sweater was OK.
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A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
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I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
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I am writing a book. So far I have the pages numbered.
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Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.
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How come abbreviated is such a long word?
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When everything’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
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There’s a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
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You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
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I like to reminisce with people I don’t know.
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My doctor told me I shouldn’t work out until I’m in better shape. I told him, ‘All right; don’t send me a bill until I pay you.’
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I installed a skylight in my apartment, the people who live above me are furious!
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Support bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have.
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If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?
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One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, “Didn’t you see the stop sign?” I said, “Yeah, but I don’t believe everything I read”
STEVEN WRIGHT