My doctor told me I shouldn’t work out until I’m in better shape. I told him, ‘All right; don’t send me a bill until I pay you.’
STEVEN WRIGHTSupport bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have.
More Steven Wright Quotes
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Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.
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Five out of four people have trouble with fractions.
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If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
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If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
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I’m a psychic amnesiac. I know in advance what I’ll forget.
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In my house there’s this light switch that doesn’t do anything. Every so often, I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Germany. She said ‘cut it out’
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Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.
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I think it’s wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.
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I wish the first word I ever said was the word “quote”, so right before I die I could say “unquote”.
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Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.
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Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny?
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If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you.
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There’s a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
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Why don’t they just make mouse-flavored cat food?
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For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier. I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.
STEVEN WRIGHT