All those who believe in psychokinesis – raise my hand.
STEVEN WRIGHTSupport bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have.
More Steven Wright Quotes
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I wish the first word I ever said was the word “quote”, so right before I die I could say “unquote”.
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Why isn’t the number 11 pronounced onety one?
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Always remember your unique, just like everyone else.
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I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans.
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Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he’ll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.
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I like to reminisce with people I don’t know.
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Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.
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Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
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In my house there’s this light switch that doesn’t do anything. Every so often, I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Germany. She said ‘cut it out’
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On the other hand, you have different fingers.
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Clones are people two.
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The other night I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars, and I wondered, ‘Where the hell is my roof?
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It was the first time I was ever in love, and I learned a lot. Before that I’d never even thought about killing myself.
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A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
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Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery’s dead?
STEVEN WRIGHT