How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?
STEVEN WRIGHTIf a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
More Steven Wright Quotes
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I am writing a book. So far I have the pages numbered.
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Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
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Always remember your unique, just like everyone else.
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It was the first time I was ever in love, and I learned a lot. Before that I’d never even thought about killing myself.
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My friend has a baby. I’m recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.
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The other night I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars, and I wondered, ‘Where the hell is my roof?
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Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring… ‘How to Build a Boat.’
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I’m addicted to placebos. I could quit, but it wouldn’t matter.
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I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
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I wish the first word I ever said was the word “quote”, so right before I die I could say “unquote”.
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One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, “Didn’t you see the stop sign?” I said, “Yeah, but I don’t believe everything I read”
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Five out of four people have trouble with fractions.
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Why don’t they just make mouse-flavored cat food?
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I think it’s wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.
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Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he’ll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.
STEVEN WRIGHT






