My friend has a baby. I’m recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.
STEVEN WRIGHTLast night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.
More Steven Wright Quotes
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Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery’s dead?
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Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
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I am writing a book. So far I have the pages numbered.
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If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
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If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
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Why, in a country of free speech, are there phone bills?
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It was the first time I was ever in love, and I learned a lot. Before that I’d never even thought about killing myself.
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I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans.
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I went to a restaurant that serves ‘breakfast at any time’. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
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Five out of four people have trouble with fractions.
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Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.
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If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
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I think it’s wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.
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Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring… ‘How to Build a Boat.’
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I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one.
STEVEN WRIGHT