I got a new dog. He’s a paranoid retriever. He brings back everything because he’s not sure what I threw him.
STEVEN WRIGHTLast night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.
More Steven Wright Quotes
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My doctor told me I shouldn’t work out until I’m in better shape. I told him, ‘All right; don’t send me a bill until I pay you.’
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I went to a restaurant that serves ‘breakfast at any time’. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
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How do you get off a non-stop flight?
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When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child… eventually.
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If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?
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If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
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I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?
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It was the first time I was ever in love, and I learned a lot. Before that I’d never even thought about killing myself.
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Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.
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The older you get, the more you learn to see what you’ve been taught to see. When you’re a kid, you see what’s there.
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Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery’s dead?
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To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
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Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.
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Half the people you know are below average.
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Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny?
STEVEN WRIGHT