If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
STEVEN WRIGHTLast night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.
More Steven Wright Quotes
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I am writing a book. So far I have the pages numbered.
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If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?
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How do you get off a non-stop flight?
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If it’s a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.
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Why, in a country of free speech, are there phone bills?
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Why doesn’t Tarzan have a beard? Why doesn’t glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
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Five out of four people have trouble with fractions.
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On the other hand, you have different fingers.
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If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
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You know what scares me? When you have to be nice to some paranoid schizophrenic, just because she lives in your head.
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One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, “Didn’t you see the stop sign?” I said, “Yeah, but I don’t believe everything I read”
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Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
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The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
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My doctor told me I shouldn’t work out until I’m in better shape. I told him, ‘All right; don’t send me a bill until I pay you.’
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Why don’t they just make mouse-flavored cat food?
STEVEN WRIGHT