My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon’s appointments.
STEVEN WRIGHTA clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
More Steven Wright Quotes
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If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren’t people from Holland called Holes?
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All those who believe in psychokinesis – raise my hand.
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I went for a walk last night and she asked me how long I was going to be gone. I said, ‘The whole time.
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I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one.
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Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
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Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.
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How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn’t live there?
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I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
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The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
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How do you get off a non-stop flight?
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You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
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I’m addicted to placebos. I could quit, but it wouldn’t matter.
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If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?
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I wish the first word I ever said was the word “quote”, so right before I die I could say “unquote”.
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Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring… ‘How to Build a Boat.’
STEVEN WRIGHT