How come abbreviated is such a long word?
STEVEN WRIGHTA clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
More Steven Wright Quotes
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You know what scares me? When you have to be nice to some paranoid schizophrenic, just because she lives in your head.
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If heat rises, then heaven must be hotter than hell.
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Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.
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Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
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Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don’t they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the postmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?
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If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
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How do you get off a non-stop flight?
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I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?
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The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
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Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.
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I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
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I installed a skylight in my apartment, the people who live above me are furious!
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Always remember your unique, just like everyone else.
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My doctor told me I shouldn’t work out until I’m in better shape. I told him, ‘All right; don’t send me a bill until I pay you.’
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When I turned two I was really anxious, because I’d doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I’m six I’ll be ninety.
STEVEN WRIGHT