When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child… eventually.
STEVEN WRIGHTA clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
More Steven Wright Quotes
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Why doesn’t Tarzan have a beard? Why doesn’t glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
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You know what scares me? When you have to be nice to some paranoid schizophrenic, just because she lives in your head.
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Five out of four people have trouble with fractions.
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I’m a psychic amnesiac. I know in advance what I’ll forget.
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Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
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Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
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Why don’t they just make mouse-flavored cat food?
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My friend has a baby. I’m recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.
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When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobody’s perfect so I stopped practicing.
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No one is listening until you make a mistake.
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I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
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I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
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I’m addicted to placebos. I could quit, but it wouldn’t matter.
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I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?
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Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.
STEVEN WRIGHT