How come abbreviated is such a long word?
STEVEN WRIGHTA clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
More Steven Wright Quotes
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Why don’t they just make mouse-flavored cat food?
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For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier. I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.
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I wish the first word I ever said was the word “quote”, so right before I die I could say “unquote”.
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Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
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One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, “Didn’t you see the stop sign?” I said, “Yeah, but I don’t believe everything I read”
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You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
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I am writing a book. So far I have the pages numbered.
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I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
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I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one.
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When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobody’s perfect so I stopped practicing.
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Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny?
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All those who believe in psychokinesis – raise my hand.
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I’m addicted to placebos. I could quit, but it wouldn’t matter.
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I got a new dog. He’s a paranoid retriever. He brings back everything because he’s not sure what I threw him.
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Why doesn’t Tarzan have a beard? Why doesn’t glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
STEVEN WRIGHT






