You know when you’re sitting on a chair and you lean back so you’re just on two legs and you lean too far so you almost fall over but at the last second you catch yourself? I feel like that all the time.
STEVEN WRIGHTA clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
More Steven Wright Quotes
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If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
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I went to a restaurant that serves ‘breakfast at any time’. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
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On the other hand, you have different fingers.
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Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring… ‘How to Build a Boat.’
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How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?
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When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobody’s perfect so I stopped practicing.
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If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
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Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.
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Some friends of mine got me a sweater for my birthday. I’d have preferred a moaner or a screamer, but the sweater was OK.
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Why don’t they just make mouse-flavored cat food?
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If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
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I installed a skylight in my apartment, the people who live above me are furious!
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The older you get, the more you learn to see what you’ve been taught to see. When you’re a kid, you see what’s there.
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You know what scares me? When you have to be nice to some paranoid schizophrenic, just because she lives in your head.
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Why doesn’t Tarzan have a beard? Why doesn’t glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
STEVEN WRIGHT