If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
STEVEN WRIGHTI wish the first word I ever said was the word “quote”, so right before I die I could say “unquote”.
More Steven Wright Quotes
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Support bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have.
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On the other hand, you have different fingers.
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I’m a psychic amnesiac. I know in advance what I’ll forget.
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If Dracula can’t see his reflection in a mirror, how come his hair is always so neatly combed?
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I went for a walk last night and she asked me how long I was going to be gone. I said, ‘The whole time.
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Why isn’t the number 11 pronounced onety one?
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You know when you’re sitting on a chair and you lean back so you’re just on two legs and you lean too far so you almost fall over but at the last second you catch yourself? I feel like that all the time.
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You know what scares me? When you have to be nice to some paranoid schizophrenic, just because she lives in your head.
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Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.
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All those who believe in psychokinesis – raise my hand.
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The other night I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars, and I wondered, ‘Where the hell is my roof?
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If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren’t people from Holland called Holes?
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The older you get, the more you learn to see what you’ve been taught to see. When you’re a kid, you see what’s there.
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When I turned two I was really anxious, because I’d doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I’m six I’ll be ninety.
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If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
STEVEN WRIGHT