Always remember your unique, just like everyone else.
STEVEN WRIGHTI wish the first word I ever said was the word “quote”, so right before I die I could say “unquote”.
More Steven Wright Quotes
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My nephew has HDADHD. High Definition Attention Deficit Disorder. He can barely pay attention, but when he does it’s unbelievably clear.
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Why doesn’t Tarzan have a beard? Why doesn’t glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
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I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
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Why don’t they just make mouse-flavored cat food?
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Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring… ‘How to Build a Boat.’
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A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
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For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier. I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.
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I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.
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To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
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When everything’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
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Why isn’t the number 11 pronounced onety one?
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Five out of four people have trouble with fractions.
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One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, “Didn’t you see the stop sign?” I said, “Yeah, but I don’t believe everything I read”
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You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
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Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery’s dead?
STEVEN WRIGHT