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I wish the first word I ever said was the word “quote”, so right before I die I could say “unquote”.

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Marilyn Monroe Paulo Coelho Abraham Lincoln C. S. Lewis Khalil Gibran Charlie Chaplin Gautama Buddha Isaac Newton

Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don’t they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the postmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?
STEVEN WRIGHT

Crime Man Office Photograph Writing
I like to reminisce with people I don’t know.
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Myself People
If Dracula can’t see his reflection in a mirror, how come his hair is always so neatly combed?
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Hairs Himself Mirror Reflection See
I wish the first word I ever said was the word “quote”, so right before I die I could say “unquote”.
STEVEN WRIGHT

Death Myself Quote Right Talk Word
Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racing car not called a racist?
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Funny Identity Person Play Race
Why, in a country of free speech, are there phone bills?
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Bill Country Freedom Funny Phone Talk
I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
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Far Forever Goodness Immortal Live Myself
If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
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Animal Funny Herself Laughter Milk
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
STEVEN WRIGHT

Bad Conscience Memories
I think it’s wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.
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Company Game Myself Thinking Wrong
You know what scares me? When you have to be nice to some paranoid schizophrenic, just because she lives in your head.
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Act Attitude Head Herself Live Scare Yourself
Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he’ll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.
STEVEN WRIGHT

Believe Funny Himself Man Stars Touch
If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
STEVEN WRIGHT

Destroy Evidence Success Try Yourself
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
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Difference Ideas Person Research Steal
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
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Break Up Imagination Myself Relationship
Always remember your unique, just like everyone else.
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Remember Self Love Unique Worth Yourself

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