If a mute kid swears, should his mother wash his hands with soap?
STEVEN WRIGHTIf vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
More Steven Wright Quotes
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Why don’t they just make mouse-flavored cat food?
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Clones are people two.
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I wish the first word I ever said was the word “quote”, so right before I die I could say “unquote”.
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I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
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I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
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Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.
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If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?
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Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racing car not called a racist?
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Five out of four people have trouble with fractions.
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Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
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In my house there’s this light switch that doesn’t do anything. Every so often, I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Germany. She said ‘cut it out’
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To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
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You know what scares me? When you have to be nice to some paranoid schizophrenic, just because she lives in your head.
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A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
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It was the first time I was ever in love, and I learned a lot. Before that I’d never even thought about killing myself.
STEVEN WRIGHT