Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
STEVEN WRIGHTIf vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
More Steven Wright Quotes
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Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny?
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Clones are people two.
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Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.
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If heat rises, then heaven must be hotter than hell.
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If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren’t people from Holland called Holes?
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My friend has a baby. I’m recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.
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You know when you’re sitting on a chair and you lean back so you’re just on two legs and you lean too far so you almost fall over but at the last second you catch yourself? I feel like that all the time.
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If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?
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Why, in a country of free speech, are there phone bills?
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When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child… eventually.
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Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.
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I like to reminisce with people I don’t know.
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My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon’s appointments.
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Why doesn’t Tarzan have a beard? Why doesn’t glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
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I wish the first word I ever said was the word “quote”, so right before I die I could say “unquote”.
STEVEN WRIGHT