When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobody’s perfect so I stopped practicing.
STEVEN WRIGHTIf vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
More Steven Wright Quotes
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The older you get, the more you learn to see what you’ve been taught to see. When you’re a kid, you see what’s there.
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Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
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I installed a skylight in my apartment, the people who live above me are furious!
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Why isn’t the number 11 pronounced onety one?
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My doctor told me I shouldn’t work out until I’m in better shape. I told him, ‘All right; don’t send me a bill until I pay you.’
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Some friends of mine got me a sweater for my birthday. I’d have preferred a moaner or a screamer, but the sweater was OK.
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For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier. I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.
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I’m addicted to placebos. I could quit, but it wouldn’t matter.
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If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
STEVEN WRIGHT -
I got a new dog. He’s a paranoid retriever. He brings back everything because he’s not sure what I threw him.
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I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans.
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My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon’s appointments.
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I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?
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I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
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If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
STEVEN WRIGHT