Support bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have.
STEVEN WRIGHTIf vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
More Steven Wright Quotes
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Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.
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Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.
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My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon’s appointments.
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How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?
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To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
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If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?
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I wish the first word I ever said was the word “quote”, so right before I die I could say “unquote”.
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It was the first time I was ever in love, and I learned a lot. Before that I’d never even thought about killing myself.
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I think it’s wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.
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Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring… ‘How to Build a Boat.’
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Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
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Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny?
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If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
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For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier. I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.
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When everything’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
STEVEN WRIGHT