Imagine how weird phones would look if your mouth was nowhere near your ears.
STEVEN WRIGHTIf vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
More Steven Wright Quotes
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All those who believe in psychokinesis – raise my hand.
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I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
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You know when you’re sitting on a chair and you lean back so you’re just on two legs and you lean too far so you almost fall over but at the last second you catch yourself? I feel like that all the time.
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If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?
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Half the people you know are below average.
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If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?
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My friend has a baby. I’m recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.
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My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon’s appointments.
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Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.
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I installed a skylight in my apartment, the people who live above me are furious!
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Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don’t they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the postmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?
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If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you.
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How come abbreviated is such a long word?
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A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
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I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
STEVEN WRIGHT