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One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, “Didn’t you see the stop sign?” I said, “Yeah, but I don’t believe everything I read”

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I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?
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In my house there’s this light switch that doesn’t do anything. Every so often, I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Germany. She said ‘cut it out’
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I’m a psychic amnesiac. I know in advance what I’ll forget.
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I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.
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I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
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Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery’s dead?
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Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.
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Why isn’t the number 11 pronounced onety one?
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No one is listening until you make a mistake.
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When I turned two I was really anxious, because I’d doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I’m six I’ll be ninety.
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Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.
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I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans.
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If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
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How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn’t live there?
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The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
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