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How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?

Steven Wright

If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?
STEVEN WRIGHT

Literature Word Wrong
My friend has a baby. I’m recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.
STEVEN WRIGHT

Children Friendship Himself
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
STEVEN WRIGHT

Drive Learning Yourself
I am writing a book. So far I have the pages numbered.
STEVEN WRIGHT

Book Funny Myself Writing
I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.
STEVEN WRIGHT

Eyes Myself Prescription Ran Walk
Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he’ll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.
STEVEN WRIGHT

Believe Funny Himself Man Stars Touch
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
STEVEN WRIGHT

Difference Ideas Person Research Steal
There’s a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
STEVEN WRIGHT

Idiot Ocean Stand Wait
Half the people you know are below average.
STEVEN WRIGHT

Average Level People Yourself
My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon’s appointments.
STEVEN WRIGHT

Appointment Dental Eat Herself Time Visit Wait
Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racing car not called a racist?
STEVEN WRIGHT

Funny Identity Person Play Race
You know what scares me? When you have to be nice to some paranoid schizophrenic, just because she lives in your head.
STEVEN WRIGHT

Act Attitude Head Herself Live Scare Yourself
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
STEVEN WRIGHT

Alphabet Order Song
My nephew has HDADHD. High Definition Attention Deficit Disorder. He can barely pay attention, but when he does it’s unbelievably clear.
STEVEN WRIGHT

Attention Believe Himself Myself Sick
Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
STEVEN WRIGHT

Future One Liner Planning
Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don’t they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the postmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?
STEVEN WRIGHT

Crime Man Office Photograph Writing

How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?

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How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?

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Popular Authors

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