How do you get off a non-stop flight?
STEVEN WRIGHTWhy is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racing car not called a racist?
More Steven Wright Quotes
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Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he’ll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.
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If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
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When everything’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
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Half the people you know are below average.
STEVEN WRIGHT -
The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
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Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.
STEVEN WRIGHT -
It was the first time I was ever in love, and I learned a lot. Before that I’d never even thought about killing myself.
STEVEN WRIGHT -
Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery’s dead?
STEVEN WRIGHT -
If it’s a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.
STEVEN WRIGHT -
I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans.
STEVEN WRIGHT -
The older you get, the more you learn to see what you’ve been taught to see. When you’re a kid, you see what’s there.
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I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
STEVEN WRIGHT -
Why, in a country of free speech, are there phone bills?
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I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
STEVEN WRIGHT -
Clones are people two.
STEVEN WRIGHT