If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you.
STEVEN WRIGHTWhy is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racing car not called a racist?
More Steven Wright Quotes
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My doctor told me I shouldn’t work out until I’m in better shape. I told him, ‘All right; don’t send me a bill until I pay you.’
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All those who believe in psychokinesis – raise my hand.
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How do you get off a non-stop flight?
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Why don’t they just make mouse-flavored cat food?
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I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.
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The older you get, the more you learn to see what you’ve been taught to see. When you’re a kid, you see what’s there.
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If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?
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Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
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If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
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If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
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The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
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When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child… eventually.
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It was the first time I was ever in love, and I learned a lot. Before that I’d never even thought about killing myself.
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If heat rises, then heaven must be hotter than hell.
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Why isn’t the number 11 pronounced onety one?
STEVEN WRIGHT






