If heat rises, then heaven must be hotter than hell.
STEVEN WRIGHTIf Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
More Steven Wright Quotes
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It was the first time I was ever in love, and I learned a lot. Before that I’d never even thought about killing myself.
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I went to a restaurant that serves ‘breakfast at any time’. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
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All those who believe in psychokinesis – raise my hand.
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Always remember your unique, just like everyone else.
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If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?
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I got a new dog. He’s a paranoid retriever. He brings back everything because he’s not sure what I threw him.
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When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child… eventually.
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A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
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I’m addicted to placebos. I could quit, but it wouldn’t matter.
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When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobody’s perfect so I stopped practicing.
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If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
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For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier. I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.
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Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
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Support bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have.
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My doctor told me I shouldn’t work out until I’m in better shape. I told him, ‘All right; don’t send me a bill until I pay you.’
STEVEN WRIGHT






