I got a new dog. He’s a paranoid retriever. He brings back everything because he’s not sure what I threw him.
STEVEN WRIGHTIf Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
More Steven Wright Quotes
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Everyone has a photographic Memory, some just don’t have film.
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My doctor told me I shouldn’t work out until I’m in better shape. I told him, ‘All right; don’t send me a bill until I pay you.’
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I am writing a book. So far I have the pages numbered.
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One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, “Didn’t you see the stop sign?” I said, “Yeah, but I don’t believe everything I read”
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You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
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I’m addicted to placebos. I could quit, but it wouldn’t matter.
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When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobody’s perfect so I stopped practicing.
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There’s a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
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I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.
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If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren’t people from Holland called Holes?
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Half the people you know are below average.
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How do you get off a non-stop flight?
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If it’s a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.
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My nephew has HDADHD. High Definition Attention Deficit Disorder. He can barely pay attention, but when he does it’s unbelievably clear.
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Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
STEVEN WRIGHT