If Dracula can’t see his reflection in a mirror, how come his hair is always so neatly combed?
STEVEN WRIGHTEverywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.
More Steven Wright Quotes
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I’m a psychic amnesiac. I know in advance what I’ll forget.
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If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
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Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racing car not called a racist?
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I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans.
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Imagine how weird phones would look if your mouth was nowhere near your ears.
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If a mute kid swears, should his mother wash his hands with soap?
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If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?
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My friend has a baby. I’m recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.
STEVEN WRIGHT -
Why don’t they just make mouse-flavored cat food?
STEVEN WRIGHT -
How do you get off a non-stop flight?
STEVEN WRIGHT -
You know what scares me? When you have to be nice to some paranoid schizophrenic, just because she lives in your head.
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If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
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Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he’ll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.
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I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
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For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier. I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.
STEVEN WRIGHT