When I turned two I was really anxious, because I’d doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I’m six I’ll be ninety.
STEVEN WRIGHTEverywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.
More Steven Wright Quotes
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My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon’s appointments.
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If heat rises, then heaven must be hotter than hell.
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I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
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The other night I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars, and I wondered, ‘Where the hell is my roof?
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I think it’s wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.
STEVEN WRIGHT -
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
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I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
STEVEN WRIGHT -
Why, in a country of free speech, are there phone bills?
STEVEN WRIGHT -
I am writing a book. So far I have the pages numbered.
STEVEN WRIGHT -
When everything’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
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How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?
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Imagine how weird phones would look if your mouth was nowhere near your ears.
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I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
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Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
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I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
STEVEN WRIGHT