Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.
STEVEN WRIGHTEverywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.
More Steven Wright Quotes
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For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier. I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.
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Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.
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Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny?
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Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery’s dead?
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Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don’t they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the postmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?
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I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
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If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
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I went for a walk last night and she asked me how long I was going to be gone. I said, ‘The whole time.
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I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
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To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
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When everything’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
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Why don’t they just make mouse-flavored cat food?
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Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.
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I think it’s wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.
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You know when you’re sitting on a chair and you lean back so you’re just on two legs and you lean too far so you almost fall over but at the last second you catch yourself? I feel like that all the time.
STEVEN WRIGHT