I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.
STEVEN WRIGHTMy nephew has HDADHD. High Definition Attention Deficit Disorder. He can barely pay attention, but when he does it’s unbelievably clear.
More Steven Wright Quotes
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Why doesn’t Tarzan have a beard? Why doesn’t glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
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I think it’s wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.
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All those who believe in psychokinesis – raise my hand.
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I like to reminisce with people I don’t know.
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I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
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To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
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I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
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Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he’ll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.
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My friend has a baby. I’m recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.
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If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
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I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans.
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When I turned two I was really anxious, because I’d doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I’m six I’ll be ninety.
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I wish the first word I ever said was the word “quote”, so right before I die I could say “unquote”.
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If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?
STEVEN WRIGHT -
How come abbreviated is such a long word?
STEVEN WRIGHT