My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon’s appointments.
STEVEN WRIGHTMy nephew has HDADHD. High Definition Attention Deficit Disorder. He can barely pay attention, but when he does it’s unbelievably clear.
More Steven Wright Quotes
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Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring… ‘How to Build a Boat.’
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Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
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Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
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Everyone has a photographic Memory, some just don’t have film.
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I wish the first word I ever said was the word “quote”, so right before I die I could say “unquote”.
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Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he’ll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.
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To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
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One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, “Didn’t you see the stop sign?” I said, “Yeah, but I don’t believe everything I read”
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Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.
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I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?
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If Dracula can’t see his reflection in a mirror, how come his hair is always so neatly combed?
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Why don’t they just make mouse-flavored cat food?
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I am writing a book. So far I have the pages numbered.
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Half the people you know are below average.
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I installed a skylight in my apartment, the people who live above me are furious!
STEVEN WRIGHT