I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one.
STEVEN WRIGHTFive out of four people have trouble with fractions.
More Steven Wright Quotes
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Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he’ll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.
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Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
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For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier. I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.
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My nephew has HDADHD. High Definition Attention Deficit Disorder. He can barely pay attention, but when he does it’s unbelievably clear.
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I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?
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When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobody’s perfect so I stopped practicing.
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I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
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No one is listening until you make a mistake.
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The other night I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars, and I wondered, ‘Where the hell is my roof?
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A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
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You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
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The older you get, the more you learn to see what you’ve been taught to see. When you’re a kid, you see what’s there.
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I think it’s wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.
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I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans.
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If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?
STEVEN WRIGHT