How come abbreviated is such a long word?
STEVEN WRIGHTFive out of four people have trouble with fractions.
More Steven Wright Quotes
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I installed a skylight in my apartment, the people who live above me are furious!
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Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
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In my house there’s this light switch that doesn’t do anything. Every so often, I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Germany. She said ‘cut it out’
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Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
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Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
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I got a new dog. He’s a paranoid retriever. He brings back everything because he’s not sure what I threw him.
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The other night I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars, and I wondered, ‘Where the hell is my roof?
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The older you get, the more you learn to see what you’ve been taught to see. When you’re a kid, you see what’s there.
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I’m a psychic amnesiac. I know in advance what I’ll forget.
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I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?
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If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
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If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren’t people from Holland called Holes?
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Clones are people two.
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Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.
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If a mute kid swears, should his mother wash his hands with soap?
STEVEN WRIGHT