Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.
STEVEN WRIGHTYou know when you’re sitting on a chair and you lean back so you’re just on two legs and you lean too far so you almost fall over but at the last second you catch yourself? I feel like that all the time.
More Steven Wright Quotes
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If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
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I think it’s wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.
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If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
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No one is listening until you make a mistake.
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If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?
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When everything’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
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Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
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I’m addicted to placebos. I could quit, but it wouldn’t matter.
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If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you.
STEVEN WRIGHT -
Some friends of mine got me a sweater for my birthday. I’d have preferred a moaner or a screamer, but the sweater was OK.
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How do you get off a non-stop flight?
STEVEN WRIGHT -
If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
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My doctor told me I shouldn’t work out until I’m in better shape. I told him, ‘All right; don’t send me a bill until I pay you.’
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Imagine how weird phones would look if your mouth was nowhere near your ears.
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I like to reminisce with people I don’t know.
STEVEN WRIGHT