Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
STEVEN WRIGHTYou know when you’re sitting on a chair and you lean back so you’re just on two legs and you lean too far so you almost fall over but at the last second you catch yourself? I feel like that all the time.
More Steven Wright Quotes
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How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn’t live there?
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If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
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When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobody’s perfect so I stopped practicing.
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Clones are people two.
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In my house there’s this light switch that doesn’t do anything. Every so often, I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Germany. She said ‘cut it out’
STEVEN WRIGHT -
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
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One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, “Didn’t you see the stop sign?” I said, “Yeah, but I don’t believe everything I read”
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If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you.
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How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?
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If it’s a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.
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Why don’t they just make mouse-flavored cat food?
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I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans.
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The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
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Always remember your unique, just like everyone else.
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I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
STEVEN WRIGHT