If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you.
STEVEN WRIGHTYou know when you’re sitting on a chair and you lean back so you’re just on two legs and you lean too far so you almost fall over but at the last second you catch yourself? I feel like that all the time.
More Steven Wright Quotes
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Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
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My doctor told me I shouldn’t work out until I’m in better shape. I told him, ‘All right; don’t send me a bill until I pay you.’
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Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
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The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
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If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
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If it’s a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.
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I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
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No one is listening until you make a mistake.
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I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
STEVEN WRIGHT -
I went for a walk last night and she asked me how long I was going to be gone. I said, ‘The whole time.
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I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one.
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Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.
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All those who believe in psychokinesis – raise my hand.
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There’s a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
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I wish the first word I ever said was the word “quote”, so right before I die I could say “unquote”.
STEVEN WRIGHT






