My doctor told me I shouldn’t work out until I’m in better shape. I told him, ‘All right; don’t send me a bill until I pay you.’
STEVEN WRIGHTAlways remember your unique, just like everyone else.
More Steven Wright Quotes
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To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
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If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
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I think it’s wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.
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When everything’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
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Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring… ‘How to Build a Boat.’
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Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don’t they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the postmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?
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Half the people you know are below average.
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I went for a walk last night and she asked me how long I was going to be gone. I said, ‘The whole time.
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If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
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If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?
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I installed a skylight in my apartment, the people who live above me are furious!
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Some friends of mine got me a sweater for my birthday. I’d have preferred a moaner or a screamer, but the sweater was OK.
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Always remember your unique, just like everyone else.
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Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny?
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I wish the first word I ever said was the word “quote”, so right before I die I could say “unquote”.
STEVEN WRIGHT