In India a farmhand was caught in the act with his cow. He said he had bad eyesight and thought it was his wife.
SPIKE MILLIGANMany people die of thirst but the Irish are born with one.
More Spike Milligan Quotes
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We haven’t got a plan so nothing can go wrong!
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Life is a long agonized illness only curable by death.
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And God said, ‘Let there be light’ and there was light, but the Electricity Board said He would have to wait until Thursday to be connected.
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I’m Irish. We think sideways.
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It was a perfect marrige. She didn`t want to and he couldn`t
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I thought I’d begin by reading a poem by Shakespeare, but then I thought, why should I? He never reads any of mine.
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I shook hands with a friendly Arab. I still have my right arm to prove it.
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Education isn’t everything, for a start it isn’t an elephant.
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Policemen are numbered in case they get lost.
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Is there anything worn under the kilt? No, it’s all in perfect working order.
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I cannot stand being awake, the pain is too much.
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Never return to a doctor whose office plants have died. After five days in hospital, I took a turn for the nurse.
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If I don’t eat soon, I’ll die of hunger; and if I die, I won’t eat soon.
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If you kill me, I promise you – you will never take me alive.
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Any man can be 62, but it takes a bus to be 62A.
SPIKE MILLIGAN