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Aristocrats have heirs; the poor have children; the rest keep dogs.

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Children Dog Funny Rich

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I’m Irish. We think sideways.
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Identity Myself One Liner Thinking
I told you I was sick.
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Myself One Liner Sick
I have the body of an eighteen year old. I keep it in the fridge.
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My Father had a profound influence on me. He was a lunatic.
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Father Funny Himself Influence Mad
I thought I’d begin by reading a poem by Shakespeare, but then I thought, why should I? He never reads any of mine.
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Beginning Book Funny Myself Poem Reading
If a man dies when you hang him, keep hanging him until he gets used to it.
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Death Himself Man
Listen, someone’s screaming in agony- fortunately I speak it fluently.
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Listening Myself Pain Talk
Australia, Australia, we love you from the heart. The kidneys, the liver & the giblets too. And every other part.
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Funny Heart Love Nation Patriot Yourself
And God said, ‘Let there be light’ and there was light, but the Electricity Board said He would have to wait until Thursday to be connected.
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Connection Funny God Himself Light Wait
Its all in the mind, you know.
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Mindset One Liner Yourself
How long was I in the army? Five foot eleven.
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Appearance Funny Myself Time
Education isn’t everything, for a start it isn’t an elephant.
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Animal Education Funny Start
Money can’t buy you happiness but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.
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Form Happiness Misery Money Yourself
Chopsticks are one of the reasons the Chinese never invented custard.
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In the human race today, you came last.
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Human Race Yourself

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