Contraceptives should be used on every conceivable occasion.
SPIKE MILLIGANAristocrats have heirs; the poor have children; the rest keep dogs.
More Spike Milligan Quotes
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Money can’t buy friends, but you can get a better class of enemy.
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I told you I was sick.
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Her mother was a cultivated woman – she was born in a greenhouse.
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I shook hands with a friendly Arab. I still have my right arm to prove it.
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Chopsticks are one of the reasons the Chinese never invented custard.
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Education isn’t everything, for a start it isn’t an elephant.
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And God said, ‘Let there be light’ and there was light, but the Electricity Board said He would have to wait until Thursday to be connected.
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A lot of learning can be a little thing.
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If I don’t eat soon, I’ll die of hunger; and if I die, I won’t eat soon.
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I told you I was ill. (On his headstone)
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Life is a long agonized illness only curable by death.
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I cannot stand being awake, the pain is too much.
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If you kill me, I promise you – you will never take me alive.
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Is there anything worn under the kilt? No, it’s all in perfect working order.
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Are you going to come quietly, or do I have to use earplugs?
SPIKE MILLIGAN